Fears.

Once upon a time I was so afraid of being alone that I would put up with stuff, that I shouldn't. I thought being alone was far worse than staying. Stupid little girl. I thought nothing could be scarier that being alone.

I still struggle with that same fear, it hasn't gone away. I just know better now, that letting your fears decide how you live, isn't living.

but,

What if despite doing the right thing, my fears come to be true?

(I have heavily edited this post for lots of reason's but mostly because it isn't how I want to deal with this situation).

Bad night sleep.

I am never sure of the best course of action after a bads night sleep. My head hurts my body aches, should I still make it go to the gym?

Right now the causes of the bad nights sleep also leave me feeling like I should go roll up in a ball and stay in bed. On the other hand I have the entire day to catch up on sleep and maybe after lunch I will feel more enthused.

I suspect a better plan of action is to get out of the house and see friends. A good cure for a lots of bad feelings is to get out and see that the world is still there and it is still really cool, with lots of cool people in it. Spending sometime writing out how I feel helps too. (no not here)

One good thing about not being able to sleep is that I when I got out of bed I was able to watch George, George is our new pet stick insect, shed its skin. George is about 15 cm long and not fully grown, also George we think is female.

On the general boring side of tracking what I am doing side of things. I have emptied my fridge and cupboard of almost all Christmas junk food and I have replaced it with lots of healthy options. So at least I am eating healthy again. Oh, I forgot to mention that I stopped lite n' easy after I decided that I can't really afford it long term, but I think it helped my body remember eating healthy portions and to really watch what and how much I eat at dinner.

Well my mind is more at rest now, I think I might find a book to read.

and Pause

Right now everything is on track.

I am doing 3 double gym sessions a week, plus 1 step class, plus 2-3 fighter training sessions, plus 3-4 single training sessions. I am eating right and feeling great.

I should have rippling muscles, but I don't, I am still very soft and squishy looking. Doesn't matter really, because the strength is increasing, especially in my upper body.

My arms are heaps stronger, I swing a sword and hold my shield for much longer than before and it shows. My shoulders are rounder and more pronounced and there is some definition to my upper arms. I am not sure I have ever had definition in my upper arms. I have to say for the first time in ages, I like the way my arms look.

Now, for the legs...............................

The answer to frustration

Being given an exercise that can directly address the issues I am having with fighting.

This is a proactive step and really appreciated.

My main problem is that my shots don't flow. Solution, train with a ball on a string and move it like a sword, try to keep the ball moving smoothly through the air. This isn't possible all the time, but you can feel the flow of the movement and it teaches you to not stop.

I am feeling really positive again and far less frustrated.

Fighter Frustration

I am so incredibly annoyed about this stuff that I don't even know where to start.

Firstly,

The mistakes I was making in week 1 still seem to be there. I do not seem to be fixing the errors of my past. I know that I often throw my shots badly, that my blade falls flat. I was focusing on practicing this at home, but now of course my other problems are demanding my attention.

Secondly,

I seem to have learnt new bad habits. I don't throw proper shots, bring my sword back to my shoulder between throws I am told. I do this then I am told that I do one thing at a time, block then throw, block then throw. Practice more on a pell, I am told. What annoys me most by this is I doubt very much that some of the people telling me this have ever just stood alone with a pell for an hour. Sure they come to training, but actually practice on their own, no I doubt it.

Thirdly,

Everything I am taught I f***ing forget. Absolutely no muscle memory. Yes I know practice more, but I do practice, I practice a lot. I go to training at least twice a week and I spend about 3 hours a week just doing pell work. Lets face it at this point I just suck.

Fourthly,

Everyone seems to know what I should be doing. If only I just did this or that and I would get better. There are only so many times I want to hear that I am making the same mistake I made week one, before I feel disheartened. I want to be good, I really do, that is enough pressure. The added pressure of everyone else wanting me to be good is at times rather too much. On the other hand, I like that they are interested in my progress.

My right thumb has doubled in size, my left knuckles are worn through where my shield has started to bite and I don't f***ing care, in fact I like the little hurts. I am not sure why I want it soo much, but I have to do this. I am not going to stop this just because I am crap. I have something to prove and I don't know why. I would have thought I had proved enough to myself in the past few years.

I once thought I would never go to university and yet here I am being paid a wage to do just that. I never thought I would be able to run several km's and now that is my idea of an easy workout. The reality is that this is a bigger challenge. Running is easy, just put one foot in front of the other, university is easy, just do what I am good at learning, problem solving, logic and math.

Fighting is hard. Competition is something I always avoided as a child. No point competing in sport I was going to lose anyway. Learning to move my body certain ways has always been hard, I have always been a clumsy child. Something I worked out early on, but co-ordination, is just another type of intelligence and one that I don't have a lot of.

Relax your grip, a cry I heard for all the years I played the flute. Relax your grip, they tell me as I swing my sword, they might as well be telling me too not grind my teeth when I sleep as well. No, I will learn to relax my grip, but first I need to build a bit more strength in my hand so that I can wield a sword while only holding it with my thumb and forefinger. I will just not today and probably not tomorrow, but I will. It is frustrating for them I guess, they have given the advice, why don't I just implement it. Why don't I just think "ok move my body this way then that", but I do, but my body doesn't seem to listen.

I imagine it is like teaching someone a math concept simply and straight forward, some people get it straight away, others on the other hand, just don't get it the first time or the second and usually by the third time, if they haven't given up their teacher has. Yeah, I am the dumb student, but I am not going to give up, just because it takes my 3 times as much effort as everyone else.

I want my armor to be ready, but then I don't because I know I will just get a whole new lot of frustrations to deal with. I sometimes wonder if some of my problems is because I am afraid of not being able to pull a blow and that I might hit someone. In armor I hope this fear will be gone, but if I am still not throwing proper shots, then I will be just frustated as I am now, maybe more so.

sigh.

Want to be good

now.

Injury - alert.

So there I am sound asleep in bed and my mobile phone rings. On some instinctive level I hear the phone, leap out of bed and before I have even raised consciousness properly I am saying hello.

This ability to jump to action without actually being awake is something I learnt by becoming a mother.

It has its downfalls, in that I don't necessarily need to leap out of bed and probably should have just gently climbed out of bed, so that my foot would not have twisted oddly causing me to strain my foot.

I am pretty sure it is just a strain. No swelling, not a lot of pain, but I guess I will be putting less weight on my foot for awhile.

I missed yesterdays gym session due to lack of sleep, so today because I have the time, I am going to do a double session, cardio and resistance. I just need to work out what cardio I can do on my foot. I am hoping I am up to the rowing machine, but we will see how it feels.

Training

So this morning was resistance training in the morning and fighter training tonight.

My resistance training is made up of 3 different work outs. 1 is body weight, using push up and the like. One is free weights and asymmetric work. One is weight machines, concentrating on pushing the numbers.

Today was weight machine day. This is an workout that requires little thought, technique while always important is hard to screw up while on a machine. I did quite well, with a few number increasing. One of two more reps here and there. All good.

Fighter training was awesome. I am starting to understand basic technique. Starting to get it into my thick skull. My sword is really to heavy for me and I am definitely going to do something about it. Firstly, I will make the sword I have work as well as I can, if it is still bothering me I will have to think about making another one.

The other major project is getting my armor together, which is coming together nicely. I am very excited about it. Soon I will be able to go full speed and enjoy the pleasure of being hit and hopefully hitting my opponent.

My shoulders and neck are sore tonight, so I will probably get a massage tomorrow. Recovery is seriously important, otherwise I will break.

Emotionally, I am feeling much better tonight. So I guess we could say I went to a third type of training today as I also attended a counselling session. I felt like I achieved a lot and have a plan. I like plans.

Things seem back on track

We all fall off the wagon, what ever the reason.

The most important thing is to get right back on. I did a step class yesterday, first time I have done any sort of class. Apart from being extremely uncoordinated and wishing I looked more like the other gym bunnies, I had a great time.

Yeah, I kept up no worries with those gym bunnies, some people just have curves in all the right places. I don't begrudge them, I am happy with my results.

Heart broken

Again.

Needless to say focus and energy that should be on exercise and getting strong is elsewhere. I think I understand why Amazons lived in a society with out men. Not because they didn't like them, but because they are a huge distraction.

Working out more

Things have been going great.

Eating better, more time and less stress, really does work. I feel great. I have been to the gym 4 days straight and more importantly I can still walk. I think the full body chinese massage I had on Monday has a lot to do with how well my body has coped with the extra increased frequency.

Not only have I been to the gym, but I have also been training and going for walks with friends. It all adds up.

I get my results on Monday and I feel pretty good about that. So health and study seem to be under control. Pity that my personal life is a complete mess, but at least I am coping well with the mess.

Training

Training has been challenging.

Everything move I make is a considered thought. Sometimes the more I think, the worse I get.

So many things to learn, practise and then apply.

I am not aggressive during training. I have a great deal of respect for the people who take the time to show me things and spend a lot of time listening and being respectful, but not being aggressive. Unlike the young men there I am not showing much bluff and banter, I need time to just internalise, think everything through and get it down pat.

This is fine as long as when the time comes to really compete I draw upon my own agression and don't worry I can be aggressive, I just need to find a way to summon it. Sure be relaxed during training, but for the real thing I need to find that inner confidence.

Confidence is an issue. This isn't something natural or easy for me, but that is why I choose to do it. The best thing is I know that natural ability can be overcome by training. All I have to do is keep doing what I do. Keep turning up, keep my focus and start practising at home and hopefully start believing in myself as a fighter.

It all hinges on training.

On being single.

So there are boys and there are boys. Nice boys, beautiful boys, responsible and reckless.

So many types and styles, I think I understand a little more now why people who are single stay single. How can you choose just one!

Some boys become friends. Some you lock eyes with and lustful thoughts enter your mind. More importantly though, is that sometimes a guy who you never previously had lustful thoughts about can just smile at you once a certain way (or put their head in your lap) and then suddenly there is that spark.

I guess I have been around too long now to mistake that spark for anything more than it is. Love is something else entirely, but that spark can develop into love if it is the right person. Funny thing is that spark is not limited to just the right person. In fact plenty of times we feel that spark for the wrong person.

I have a friend, a boy, a beautiful, smart boy and there was a spark, but I never took it further, because I knew deep down he isn't the right person. A great person, but not for me, my life goals and his are at opposite ends of the spectrum. More importantly, he wouldn't know the difference between a star trek person and a star wars person, or who Minmei or Lisa Hayes are.

The other day he told that he had met someone. He described her to me and she is nothing like me, she is the right kind of person for him and I am not the right kind. I hope he hasn't been feeling insulted by my refusal to act upon the spark between us, but I want both pheromones and a good match. If I had acted he would have missed the opportunity with this girl, tall beautiful and with a similar lifestyle to his. I am very happy for him.

I am enjoying the freedom of not being with someone and right now I have the patience to wait for the right kind of person to come along or perhaps I might suddenly feel that spark for someone I already know.

So, I guess what I am saying is I no longer mistake lust for love, but from my experience there are still lots of girls my age doing just that and boys too. Sure I expect to have to make compromises if or when I meet someone else, but I am who I am and that isn't going to change. I am not going to mould myself into something else because I felt a spark with someone who doesn't really get me.

Unless he is a real life version of Rick Hunter, then all bets are off.

Felt great

First time in a long time going to the gym and sweating hard felt great. Love that endorphin rush.

Heart rate was less insane but still in the high cardio level. I am pleased to say it wasn't scarey 170 and more like 165, although I hit 170 by the end of the work out.

Other projects are coming along nicely. I finished taking in a dress. I can't say I am hugely proud of the result, but it will work and gives me at least one more piece of garb to wear to events.

I might do a bit of training with my new shield and sword tomorrow. Looking forward to it.

No more exams

Today I finished my last exam, for the year.

Tomorrow I can move fitness and health higher up on my priority list, which coincides with the arrival of the lite n'easy food. I am curious how well it will go as I am not going to be able to eat it every day. I am going camping on the weekend.

Still I want to make good food choices while I am away. Just because I am on lite n' easy doesn't mean I have to forget everything I have learnt about what I should be eating.

More focus on exercise, more on training and more on doing stuff for me because it is what I want and yes being fit is something I want.

My results are out on the 30th of November. For someone like me the results are what it is all about and yes the destination is what drives the journey. Sometimes the journey is boring and requires hardwork. Sometimes the journey is exciting, but best of all is where I end up. It is the path less traveled which leads to the most exciting adventures.

Everyone else lines up for the quick thrills, I am after long term rewards.

:)

Plan did not work

My plan to increase the number of times I attend the gym did not work. I blame it on being too busy with exams and having an infected tooth.

So the tooth is better now and I am a few days into a new plan, which seems to be working well. I did one day on 2 days to recover, then 2 days on, 2 days to recover, 3 on, 2 to recover, etc until I reach 5 days with the weekend off.

I am not pushing for personal bests while I increase the frequency.

Also, I am going to try lite n'easy and see if I can lose a few more kilo's. I am worried it might back fire and just cause my metabolism to slow down, but if I am honest I am happier if I am a few more kilos lighter. Anyway I will see how it goes.

One more exam then I am done for year. Well got to go, the gym beckons.

In less than 2 weeks

Exams will be over and I can organise my life exactly as I like.

Oh and I have an infected wisdom tooth, one of the things I shall organise is the removal of such teeth.

Eating has been terrible. Hopefully I will feel more like myself soon.

Heat and Exhaustion.

It was hot today and the last thing I wanted to do was go to the gym especially in the early afternoon, but it was my only opportunity.

So, I made a deal with myself, go to the gym ,but I didn't have to go full out. In fact, I am not sure I would have been able to go full out. Heart Rate 174, this is very high for a 36 year old. My shirt was soaked with sweat and I felt very dizzy.

Still work out has been completed. Elliptical machine, random, level 7, 20 minutes.

Afterward I went to fighter training. Unfortunately my forearm is not currently talking to me. It has never had so much abuse before. Even typing this is tiring.

I plan to go to another fighter training session tomorrow. I might not be able to lift the sword, but it will be last chance to go for awhile.

Oh and I have my own sword! It has been taped a subtle red and gold colour, so as to blend with my tabbard, well once I have a tabbard.

Yeah, my body is pretty darn exhausted, on top of this I also walked several km's today. It feels great to feel so physically depleted. I will sleep well and eat well and tomorrow do it all again.

Changing my name

Well actually going back to my old online handle. So Kara no more Javaira it is.

Sometimes.

It is important to note that sometimes I cry.

No time to exercise.

There is always time to exercise.

Sometimes though it is better to accept that you can only do so much. My end of semester assessment requirements are killing me and are keeping me very busy.

I have though been getting some social stuff done too. I guess I could have gone to the gym instead of seeing friends.

I have great friends, friends who understand my choice not to drink and my choice not to overeat, even if they occasionally tease me for being the thin one. Seeing them helps recharge my emotional batteries in a way that exercise helps recharge my entire body and mind. Both are important.

I will be hitting the gym in a big way next week. I am going to start going 5 times a week. To help my body adjust to this increased frequency I am going to drop my resistance training to once a week on Wednesdays. I will also lower the intensity on my aerobic stuff as well. On top of going to the gym I will be also attending fighter training a few times a week.

Fighter training isn't a great work out, but does work different groups of muscles. This style of fighting uses your core body a lot, but also your shoulders and forearms work pretty darn hard. I really need to work on my shoulder strength if I want to be any good at this and keep my shield up!

So while this weekend is study, catch up on sleep and if I have time fighter training, the gym will miss out. Not that I have lost motivation, just accepting that exercise needs to take back seat just for this week.

SCA

I have returned to an old hobby, a group and a life style.

As soon as I went to my first event I knew I was meant to be apart of it, but for some reason I have never been as active in the Society as I want to be.

Some of that has to do with fear of failure, that the stuff I do or produce won't be good enough. The truth is it probably isn't good enough, but I am still going to do my best and join in. Not everyone is meant to be the stars. Some of it has to do with competing priorities and some of it to do with my ex.

What is the SCA, well it is a medieval recreation group, well sort of. We dress in medieval clothes, we discuss and research medieval history/culture/technology and warfare, we are part of a society that has rules and structure different to day to day life. There are Kings and Queens, Barons and Baronesses, Knights, Laurels and Pelicans and these are all held in the highest regard.

I love the ceremony, the theatre and the people. It is a great escape from all the stress of the real world. This is where I am doing my new training, fighter training. If I like it I will be buying some armor and waving a sword made of rattan.

A more official description:

An international non-profit educational organisation that is dedicated to the research and recreation of pre-17th century European History, with a particular focus on its practical applications in arts and sciences, including costuming, cooking, martial arts, dance, calligraphy and illumination, metalwork, archery and music (to name but a few!).

and if you want to find out more http://www.sca.org.au/

Phew.

I am going to counselling.

I don't need a lot of counselling, I know why I do things, I know what to do to stop, but sometimes it is really great to have someone to talk to. Someone who isn't biased, isn't involved. I started counselling because I knew things were going to get messy, I was going to start feeling and doing strange things. I think if you know yourself well enough to know that, then you should use that information to prepare for the stuff to come. So I have and it has happened, I have lost my mind.

I have a crush on someone. The crazy guessing game of is it real is it not. I know it can't be real, but I want it to be. I want to make my dream come true. Force it. Stupid desire. Stupid crush.

I had a chance today, but was to busy reeling from the lack of oxygen. Forgetting to breath is pretty dumb.

Tomorrow I will go to the counselor and talk about the mistake I nearly made today. I am lucky in that I eventually confided in someone tonight, who could show me some reason.

Right now I think reason sucks.

If you don't know someone, you really shouldn't throw yourself at them. You really should find at least a little bit about them first, more than they have nice eyes and well, you know. Even if it means life might move in a direction you don't want.

There is no hurry, there is no rush. I will spend sometime with myself and with my kids. I will give my ex sometime to move on. If things are meant to be, they will be. I nearly fell in that ditch. My resolve ain't so strong, but maybe with this post and by talking tomorrow my resolve will strengthen.

Anyway, why do I have to make the first move? There are at 2 others out there willing to make the first move. Unfortunately, right now I am still hung up on a crush. It is just a stage. Part of the breakup. At least that is what I tell myself.

In other news, I have decided to become a proper warrior, I went to my first training session today. It was fun and I got aggressive. It is fun to be aggressive. Why do women always have to be nice, warm and cuddly, sometimes it is good to be competitive, blunt and not so cuddly.

I met other women warriors and maybe they aren't taken as seriously as the men, but hey let the men think they are better, let them drop their guard and they will learn that those women will take every opportunity to kill you just as much as a man.

Stats

bike, random, level 7, 20 min 170 HR.

Busy weekend - emotional awareness.

I am having a busy weekend and I am feeling pretty hyper at the moment.

It is for me part of the process of breaking up, it is normally followed by a huge fall in a ditch, I would like to avoid that fall in a ditch.

I am sure it is the programming in us that makes us seek a mate, makes go in search of people, stay up late, reach out, perhaps in my case reach too far. I want to fall in love.

I need my routine, my basic day to day stuff. It keeps me centered and focussed. It keeps my feet on the ground.

My feet really aren't on the ground right now. Sigh. The funny thing is my Ex loves me like this, finds it terribly attractive. While of course the sort of man I want to attract is too wise to look twice at a girl behaving this way.

I am going to head to the gym, come home, shower and get ready to go to a friends 40th. I miss my boring married life, but there is no going back. Only forward. If I keep my friends close and ask for help when I need it, I should be fine.

I think I can see the ditch.

Dating Ettiquette

So what is general dating ettiquette?

Any suggestions

and in particular, what do you do if you find yourself possibly interested in a few people. Are you allowed to go on a date with each one and see which one you like most?

It just seems a tad, well, wrong. Falling in love shouldn't be like shopping should it? At least not for groceries, maybe for shopping for shoes, where you might just fall in love with a pair on site, but you know better than to just buy them without seeing if they fit first.

Still, I really don't know what is considered good form. I certainly don't want to compare a personal and intimate relationship with shoes. Don't get me wrong I like shoes, but they are functional, relationships are far more aesthetic at least in my world they are.

Arghhh it is a mine field out there. Wish me luck!

Stuff

Things are going along. So much personal stuff to process. Still I am trying to exercise and eat well. Sometimes I succeed, sometimes I fail.

I haven't had enough sleep so that equates to not being good.

I am on a fair few supplements at the moment.

Fibre, to help my body process some other bad food I have been eating.

Vitamin C, horseraddish and garlic, this is to boost my immune system. I can feel the late nights and stress adding up into getting ill, if I am not careful.

Glucosamine, for my joints. (This will probably be a long term thing)

and now

I am taking acidophilus bifidus to help deal with a mild case of thrush. ( I have also taken a direct anti fungal) So I guess the stress found a way to show itself after all.

(other things for thrush are; yakult and cranberry juice, currently I am on all three)

Stupid girly things. If it isn't my hormones, I develop unhealthy levels of yeast in my nether regions.

All my "I am woman, hear me roar" seems to have faded into a mere simper. I want to feel strong and confident again. Only way I know to do that is to keep keeping fit.

I weighed myself 2 days ago. I was 58.4 kgs, I was very sad. That was the weight I started at and I wasn't naked then.

I weighed myself today, back to 57 kgs, stupid scales, that is an incredibly difference in 2 days. Although I have been trying to cleanse the system.

I guess I am single. I am slowly getting used to the idea. I totter from wanting to fall madly deeply in love to wanting my husband back. Both are bad ideas. Still it is nice to daydream of possibilities. As long as I don't act on them till I am ready. I think being with someone can certainly help with the way you feel about yourself.

Some partners are wonderful at making you feel so incredibly special. That is a good thing. I am glad to be home. Life certainly is interesting.

Still not quite back on track.

Frustratingly my motivation has been slipping, I keep telling myself next week, next week will be different.

I certainly hope that next week will be different.

Ok, I am not the only one whose motivation is slipping the reality is my training buddy is terrible at keeping me on track. No I am the one who keeps him on track, but not lately and I am self sabotaging as well.

At the moment I just want to hide at home most evenings and I haven't been planning ahead like I should. This has meant my diet has included more take away than it should. Oh and cake and chocolate. Argghhh.

Where has my attitude gone, my I am an amazon, I am strong, I can do anything?

I guess we all get influenced by our emotions and lots has been going on in my personal life, but do I really want it to manifest as eating badly and not exercising. Why don't I equate looking after myself and protecting myself to going to the gym and eating well?

I need to look after myself, if I don't who will.

Tomorrow I have a day full of study and I have to do something for my family. A very sad thing has happened and I want to do something for the people I love. The day after I go on holiday and while there won't be a gym, I do intend to do lots of exercise, walking and swimming.

It is good to know I am not the only one who struggles. No matter what the size we all struggle.

Before/After

As you might know I have been reading this blog.

http://www.uncoveringme.com/

It is a really great source of motivation. The best thing is how she refers back to how she used to feel.

Now I have never been quite as large as her, but I was really out of shape and frumpy, especially after an extremely stressful time in my life.

Me cutting a 10 year olds cake.

I always knew I could be more, that I should be more. That I shouldn't accept the way I was and even though my husband told me he loved me and told me I was sexy, I just didn't feel lovable or in the least bit sexy.

Your own opinion of yourself matters so much. I don't think it is enough to just accept the way you are, because the reality is I was right. I was overweight, I was unfit and as a result I was unattractive and moody.

You have to face the truth and then make the changes you believe you need to make. This applies to everything in life. If you don't like something, do what ever you can in your power to change it and yes have the wisdom to know what you can't change. For example my breasts are not going to get bigger, unless I invest some serious money into them.

Now I feel a lot better about myself. Sure I still have my unsexy days, but I am more confident. When young men flirt with me despite my age, I am indeed flattered, if not perplexed, but 4 years ago that didn't happen because I wasn't looking after myself.

Would I have believed that men 15 years younger would find me attractive 4 years ago? Not on your life.

Do I want this attention, not really. Still if I had a choice of being older and unfit without any unwanted attention or older, fit, confident and having to deal with it, yeah I choose the latter. Seriously, who wouldn't?

Yes, that is me cutting a 13 year olds birthday cake. Amazing what difference just 3 years can make.

Food

I haven't had a great week foodwise.

I am mostly back on track, but geez am I getting hungry.

Now this makes perfect sense, I am exercising more, building muscle and doing everthing to speed my metabolism up. The thing is I want to reduce my body fat and I am tempted to ignore the hunger pangs and not eat, but is this the path to a slower metabolism?

I suspect that if I try to lower my calorie intake or even not increase it, I will indeed lose weight. For awhile. Then when I eventually listen to body complaining about being starved I will go and eat more and have it all turned to fat, with a slower metabolism.

What to do?

I had some home made crumbed fish as a snack tonight. I feel bad even though fish is for the most part a healthy food.

Breakfast was 2 pieces of toast (wholemeal) with 100% fruit spread and margarine. (lots of fat)

MT was nuts and dried fruit, one handful.

Lunch: cheese and ham sandwich . (low fat cheese)

AT: yoghurt, carrots, oh and some brownie. sigh then 3 large left over chips.

Dinner: pie and snow peas.

Supper: fish

Ok, now I look at it I really have eaten a lot and not all of it great and I am still hungry. Genuinely hungry, not bored hungry or sugar craving hungry, real need to eat hunger. I even woke up with hunger pangs this morning.

Right I think it is time to add a protien shake to my daily intake, that way I will be getting my extra calories that I obviously need without searching the fridge for something else to eat. (and possibly ending up with a brownie)

I think I will try having it in the evening, sometime between dinner and afternoon tea, or after dinner. Soon I will start working out earlier in the day so after my workout will be perfect.

BTW I am now using Musashi P3as my protien shake, it has lots of whey protein which is fantastic for you, much better than the cheaper soy protein most shakes use. Not the cheapest option but not the most expensive either and has the practical advantage of being sold at my local woolworths.

So tomorrow I will shake it up and see if this helps.

Um

No gym tonight.

Bad food.

Lack of planning and lack of caring has added up to getting way too hungry and pigging out. Also dinner was organised so late that it ran into gym time.

Hmmm, I will just have to focus better tomorrow and remember I need to think about what I am going to eat before I get ravenous.

No gym tonight

My training partner didn't want to go tonight.

I was going to establish the habit of going without him, but it is all moot because soon enough I will training on my own all the time.

I will miss having someone to share this all with. On the other hand the times that I can go become a whole lot more flexible and I think I will sleep better if I can get to the gym earlier. Also I think my kids will prefer to have me home at night.

1 and 1/2 weeks till he leaves, but I know that my routine will only improve. Can't wait.

Great day

Food has been balanced and healthy.

Best of all, I did a run tonight. I haven't run for a few weeks as I have the occassional knee problem.

So, instead of running I have been riding, rowing and using the eliptical machine. I have been building my leg muscles and taking glucosamine, for my joints.

I noticed yesterday that I hadn't had any kind of joint pain in ages. Not even the teeniest twinge. It is normal for me to get a sore knee after a long day on my feet, but it has been fine lately.

The other thing I have done is bought several new pairs of walking shoes. My very old sneakers are still in my closet, but I suspect they might be the cause, as I injured my knee while wearing them.

Anyway tonight I ran, no I didn't just run, I did my interval training. My god, it was hard. I got a stitch, but I ran through it. I felt my muscles burn and I wasn't sure I could do a full 20 minutes, but I did.

Yay me!!!

No excuses

I just read this

http://www.uncoveringme.com/2009/09/no-excuses.html

and I thought about how I always have excuses.

and how I only seem to be able to really focus on one goal at a time. Uni first, exercise is second.

I would like to make it first, but I can't and both of these are after family. So what do I do?

How can I keep my committment to both these things, fully?

I need to think on this one. I will let you know if I find the answer.

slipping a little

Well I haven't posted for awhile.

At first it was because everything was going fine and what can a person really add to that, but I have noticed a few bad habits slip back in.

I did have my usual menstrual based cravings, but I am still being a bit hungry for sugar. I missed my vegies one week and my vegies went off last week so that isn't tracking as well as it should either.

I only got to the gym twice last week, so I haven't increased the number of times I go yet either.

Sigh time to step it up a little. Sure I quite like the results I have gotten, but I can't take them for granted otherwise I will start going backwards and I really don't want that.

On a positive note, I ran into an old school friend and they did notice the weight loss.

Feeling great

I feel so good about the improvements I am seeing.

Nearly evertime I go to the gym I break several personal bests. I am getting faster fitter and stronger.

I do need to watch that I don't start overeating now, because I justified eating some leftover potatoes heavily soaked in pork fat, because I need more fuel now.

I wish life was as simple as just eating well and exercising, then results follow, unfortunately it isn't but really being healthy is simple.

Everyone should do it, because then at least there is one thing in your life that makes sense.

Gloating

My tummy doesn't sag anymore.

Ok that isn't quite true. It does sag when I bend over or sit down, but when I stand up the sag is gone. Sure there is still some fat, but it is more toned and sits like a small round bump below my belly button.

I never thought the sagging would go away. Even at 52kgs, my tummy sagged, but it doesn't anywhere near as much anymore.

It is almost as though I had no change over the past month or so and then bang, my body changed.

Flat stomach here I come.

On the other hand my back has gotten bigger and firmer and my bras don't fit anymore. So I guess I will have to go shopping soon.

I bought new jeans today, size 8 which is definately a bonus. Still I am very short, I should be at most a size 8.

Yay, I am starting to get real results.

BTW: Gina Carano, sure is hot for a mixed maritial artist.

Arghhh I'm single.

I don't really have much to say except that I still feel on track, although I have not been to the gym in days due to study and personal stuff. Still it is all good I am off to the gym this afternoon and looking forward to pumping some weights. LOL

Singledom is a scarey world and at my age the fear is that no one is going to ever give me a second glance. Luckily I have had a small amount of male interest in the past few days, just enough to make me feel good about the way I look.

Actually, I am looking better everyday. My tummy is definitely firmer.

I am slightly revaluating my image because well I want/need to allow for the major change in relationship status. I am no longer a married woman, but a single mother of two. I want to express who I am in how I dress, act and look. I don't want to be the most gorgeous girl in the world but make sure that I represent my personality honestly, that way I hopefully won't attract the kind of men who don't like assertive women.

I am caught up in a struggle as to whether I should grow my hair or keep it short. I think I will keep it short, but who knows, how I will feel tomorrow.

Diet has been pretty good, with a few treats here and there, but nothing over the top or particularly often. Well thats about it for now.

Rowing machine is my biatch.

A few years a go I was going to the gym, the first time ever. ( at least 5 years a go)

The rowing machine was hard. 30 strokes per minute killed. Every second I rowed was one closer to the end. I had the resistance set to low and it hurt. I dreaded the machine.

Last night, I did my first interval training session on the rowing machine.

The resistance was set to maximum. While doing the high intensity I was up near 40 to 45 strokes a minute, while doing the low intensity I was still doing 30.

Oh yeah, I am a lot fitter than I used to be. The thing is I now know how much further I have to go.

Still it is a great feeling to see such a huge difference. I can feel it today though.

Don't worry be happy.

We all have ups and downs, I sure seem to get my fill of the downs. It is time for my husband and I to part ways. As friends mind you. It isn't so bad, but a little sad.

When life throws you lemons, make lemonade.

I fought off the urge to eat a muffin yesterday, but did indulge in a turkish delight on Sunday. Sunday was a busy day with several hours on my feet at the canteen and I forgot to eat the snack food I had brought. I completely forgot I had brought it in the first place.

Still, I won my fight over the muffin.

I have even more reason to do this, get strong and fit. I want to be invincible, physically and emotionally and strangely the two are linked. So bad things do happen, but at least food is the furthest from my mind right now and my determination is stronger than ever.

I love going to the gym. I think it will definately help keep me sane in the coming days. I will need to grieve and process, but a lot of that has been done already. Yesterday I grunted and groaned my way through my weights session doing several new personal bests. I feel myself getting leaner everyday and not at all bulkier, except maybe my biceps. Huge biceps are sexy right?

I wish my training mate the best of luck with his future.

Amazons aren't meant to be tied down to a man anyway.

I feel pumped

A quick cadio session.

While my heart rate was right up there and I sweated about 2 buckets, I still feel like I have more in me. I guess I need to up the level on the elliptical machine.

Science and study.

Things have been going pretty well, although I missed wednesdays work out and had a chocolate tasting session instead. It was for Science!!!

Really it was.

I don't think I had too much, but still more than I normally have which is zero.

I am tired from way too much work to do, but I still plan to head to the gym tonight. I am super satisfied with my life, although it was funny on thursday morning I felt fat because I had eaten chocolate and not gone to the gym. It was all in my mind, a small serve of chocolate and missing one work out will not make me fat, but I felt guilty because I didn't follow my plan.

There were reasons, good reasons, but I do wish my personal goals hadn't taken backseat to other things.

Other than that, I have managed to make being fit and healthy a priority.

It feels good to have started the new program and I am keen to do my measurements.

Frustrated.

I have been feeling a little bit sick. Not a lot sick, but a little bit sick.

Yesterday I was due to start the new program, but with a massive headache hitting me in the middle of the day, it was decided that I should probably not push it.

But I wanted to go. It was frustrating.

Tonight we are going, no matter what. I have been patient, but I really want to get into this new program.

My body is starting to change, especially around my tummy. I love being able to say that, usually the last place I get results is around the mid riff. The scales don't show any difference, I am tempted to do my measurements, but I know I will see a bigger more definate change if I wait a month. So I will wait for that.

My ribs stick out more. Before you could see a rib just below my breast, now I can just see my lower ribs starting to poke out. I feel so much sexier. Apparently my colar bone has become more prominent and my shoulders are bigger, I haven't really noticed these changes, but Iason has so I will take it all as good news.

Well I need to finish making dinner, we are having corned beef tonight, of course I won't be having white sauce. Yum yum.

Recovery week

Before we started our new program we needed to make sure we were fully recovered from all previous training, so last week was recovery week.

It was a great time figuring out what our maximum weights are and maximum speeds for cardio.

For instance level 10 on the rowing machine is really easy for me, even at 40 strokes per minute. Yay me.

Diet has been really easy to stick too. I did indulge last night in homemade cherry crumble and icecream, just a small serve that tasted good, but I did feel very full afterwards.

Otherwise, my food intake and what I have been eating has been easy to maintain. I do need to chop veggies today to prepare for next week.

The chopped veggies trick is working so very well. If I need to munch on something guilt free, there is an easy option all chopped and ready for me in the fridge.

My knee is hurting. This is disapointing for me. I won't be running for a little while, just to make sure it has plenty of time to get better. The thing is it doesn't hurt when I run, but I know it is the running doing it. I just want to train. I want to keep making gains and I feel so good about going to the gym, I don't want to stop. Emotionally I feel fantastic after a work out and I hate that the gym closes by 1pm on a Sunday. I could really go for a light session today.

I found I could sustain level 12 for a minute on the treadmill, which I am happy about. I am sure I could do it for longer, but the idea is to do 1 minute fast and 1 minute walking. Level 10 on the bike was manageable as well. Seems nothing is too hard, but I think the high intensity running did hurt my poor knee. :(

I just need to let it get better, so I will stick to the bike, eleptical and rowing machine for now. Not going just isn't an option.

Physical changes

I had a look in the mirror today after my shower and I noticed something different. Nothing major but a small change.

My stomach which is saggy due to fat stores and stretch marks, now instead of being one sag has two sags. There is a bit in the middle that comes up a bit making my saggy tummy look more like an upside down love heart.

So, something must be changing. Upside down love heart is good. Means less fat and a more defined stomach.

New exercise program - Cardio

So what is this new program?

Well it is based on a few ideas that I have been slowly been putting together from my own experience and some training advice from Vince DelMonte.

Firstly, your body needs to recover. My body knows this and I used to feel bad if I took a day off or didn't go as hard as I did last time.

If I can't go as hard as I did last time, then my body hasn't properly recovered.

This is important, because I believe it is more important to train at your highest intensity rather than drag your butt into the gym and barely move your heart rate.

When you train at a high intensity, you push yourself and make your body adjust to this increase in intensity. My body doesn't like to change. It thinks that fat storage is a good idea, because it never knows when I might next decide to go for a few days not eating enough.

So I am going to train harder and I will do this by using the interval method.

This is really simple. Just go as hard as you can for 1 minute then take an easy pace for 1 minute.

Over time I can reduce my rest period, or increase my intensity, but never both at the same time.

As an easy way to measure the work done for each exercise I will simply multiply the level by the time in total at high intensity. Eg I run at level 10 for 20 minutes on and off.

Then my workload for running that day is level 10 * 10 minutes = 100. If I manage to get my rest period down to 30 seconds then my workload is 10*13.33 = 133, obviously I have worked harder.

Ok so how is this going to work exactly.

Types of exercise: I don't just want to run, I think I will get greater benefit and not get quite as bored if I mix it up. I will do one day on the treadmill the next on the bike the next on the eliptical machine and then the rowing machine, before getting back to the treadmill again.

The goal on each machine as follows:

Machine Increase intensity

Treadmill: Increase speed level

Bike: keep at 90rpm and reduce rest time

eliptical: Use the "random" setting & inc level

Rowing machine: Keep at 40s/min & reduce rest time.

Next I am going to drop the length of time I am at the gym. Currently I spend a full hour at the gym and go at about 80 - 90% intensity for 50 minutes of it. Instead I am going to only stay at the gym for 30 - 45 minutes. Starting at 30 minutes = 20 minutes interval + 10 minutes warm/cool.

I am going to go more frequently. This though is only if I am fully recovered. If I get to the gym and I can't maintain the level I did last time then I am not fully recovered and I am going to stop. I think I will go do some stretches instead.

Yep a key ingredient to this program is that you push at your maximum every single time. If I can't, then there isn't much point being there. Yes, I will still burn calories, but if I do train when not fully recovered it will take me longer to recover fully and I start to risk injury.

So no training when I am not up to it. This doesn't mean don't go to the gym, just don't do the cardio session.

I am only going 3 times a week at the moment, and half of this isn't cardio. My goal is to be up to 3 times a week cardio and 2 -3 times a week weight training.

Finally I am going to keep increasing my personal best. The reason why I have a way to measure workload is that I want to try to increase my workload by 5% each time I get back to doing that exercise type.

For example: lets say I can run at level 10, on and off for 20 minutes, my workload is 100, next time I want that workload to be 105 and the time after that 110.25. I can either do this by increasing the level, reducing the rest time, or increasing the overall duration. Before each work out I should know what my previous level, work/rest ratio and overall duration and what my new workload is going to be.

So I did level 10 for 1minute on/1 minute off for 20 minutes, next time I do 10.5 for the same thereby increasing my workload by 5%.

I rode at level 10 for 1minute on/1 minute off for 20 minutes, next time I do level 10 for 1 minute on 50 seconds off thereby increasing my workload by 11%.

Clear?

Ok, maybe not, but I it makes sense to me. Tonight I am going to the gym to establish what my maximum levels are.

So that is the cardio program, wait till I tell you about the weights work out.

Take note.

I must remember this.

I was exhausted, physically, emotionally and mentally.

I went to the gym, I went hard for 15 minutes and took the rest of it easy.

I feel better, much better. Still a little sleepy, but not exhausted. My emotional reserves feel replenished.

Next time I want to back out of going to the gym because I feel tired, stressed or low, I must remember this.

Exhausted.

I was exhausted last night and I had several personal things to work on, so we didn't make our planned trip to the gym. Which is fine as we want to make sure we are fully recovered before we begin our new work out program.

I tossed and turned last night, suffering from insomnia.

Tiredness leads to craving sugar, which leads to that horrible insulin sugar/carb cycle.

I have managed to not fall into this situation.

Still it is hard to feel motivated when you are tired. My head hurts and my throats is sore, but mostly I hope I sleep well tonight. I have had to think about what my plan was to do when I get like this.

I need to be strong and I need to be healthy. Tonight I will go to the gym even though mentally I really don't want to. I will take it easy when I get there, if I don't feel great, but if the exercise perks me up then great. I know that tomorrow I will feel better because I made the effort to go.

I will eat well because sugar doesn't help me feel better for any longer than about 1o minutes.

I learning a lot about my body and diet. Once I finished reading up, I will let you know what my new program will entail.

Much better.

Today I ate well.

It was another busy day at the canteen. I took my trail mix and a protein shake.

The protein shake failed. The protein solidified in the bottom of the cup resembling clag.

Breakfast was a bacon and egg roll, which would be better if not served on a white roll.

So we can home and I wanted something for a late lunch. With a fridge full of delious fresh dips, carrot, beetroot, eggplant and hummus. I decided to cut up several vegetables and eat them with the dip. Yay, no over eating on the bread.

I felt heaps better, the food felt light and tasty.

Dinner was a small portion of pide, salad and vegetables. In total 4 serves of carb plus some sugar in the dips.

Not enough protein, but there was some in the nuts, hummus, and the pide (which contained cheese and meat)

At the end of the day I feel satisfied and healthy. Yesterdays fiasco processed and moved on from. No baklava either, even though there was plenty left.

Starting a new program

Iason and I are starting to take this doing weights thing seriously and are going to try a new program soon.

There are a couple of things, firstly I am not sure if this program will give me the results I want, but I think it will, but to make sure I want to monitor things properly.

I have done a more thorough measurement of my statistics, so that I will know if I am getting the results I want. Some of them may not mean much to you, but they make sense to me. I have measured my wrist and ankle because they are places where you show fat accumulation.

If I am doing this right, these shouldn't get larger.

Kara

weight: 59.4kgs just drank 750ml of water.

dressed and shoes.

Chest 83cm

under breasts 77.5cm

Waist fattest bit 88cm

waist thinest bit 79cm

tummy fat hip bone to hip bone round the fat bit 30cm

fat bit of hips 99cm

upper thigh 58cm
knee 37.5cm

calf 39cm

ankle 22cm

bicep 29.5cm

Not feeling very strong right now.

I ate too much for dinner.

Tonight we got turkish takeaway, which should have been a meal that I enjoyed but didn't feel guilty about.

I made a quick decision when the food arrived that I should just let my hair down and enjoy myself.

Why does enjoying myself involve eating too much?

There were lots of things to choose from, lamb kofta, chicken kebabs, salad, beans, rice, potatoes, zuchini puffs, dips, pide, stuffed pide and balaklava. MMMM balaklava.

I piled up my plate with a desert spoonful of each dip, rice, chicken, kofta, zuchini puff, salad and beans.

My mistakes:

I ate too much. I put too much on my plate. Next time I will keep my serving to a normal size.

When choosing dip I didn't think about the amount of bread that I would need to go with it to eat it. Next time just have one flavor dip, or skip dip altogether. If I am having bread then I don't need rice. Way, way too many carbohydrates. I know better than this.

Do not eat the deep fried zuchini puff. Yes it is yummy, but it is full of saturated fats and carbohydrates. It wasn't more yummy than the other healthy options.

I also had baklava. Which I don't think was a mistake as such. I enjoyed the baklava. I just wish I hadn't eaten so much before then.

Things I did right:

I didn't eat the stuffed pide, which is basically as good for you as pizza is.

I ate a lot of vegetables, I didn't eat everything on my plate and noticed that I was feeling full.

I didn't eat any chocolate, but I nearly did. I was on a bit of a binge. When that happens it is a case of one in, all in. Except I wasn't enjoying the chocolate, so I stopped eating it.

The results:

I feel sick. I have indegestion. That is what happens when I overdose on carbs.

I feel a bit guilty, worried about if I have lost focus. Worried that I it will take me longer to lose the fat.

I must remember that sometimes it is ok to eat something a little unhealthy, but that doesn't mean I should just go all out.

The two above leave me thinking that it would be easy to throw it up. I really do feel ill. I do though know that isn't a healthy way to deal with overeating.

So what is a healthy way?

Learn from it. Plan for next time.

If I am going to allow myself a bit more leway on my diet I should decide on 1, possibly 2 special things, otherwise eat as much as I would normally. Keep the portions low. Remember bread and dip is filling and I don't like the feeling of eating that much bread in one sitting. Skip the dip, or limit myself to just one dip. Avoid the high carbohydrate things. Stick to the meat and vegetables.

I really hope it doesn't effect my progress, I suspect it won't. One meal in the overall scheme of things is nothing.

So I screwed up, lets hope I have learned from it and won't have it happen again.

Could it all be in the hormones?

A very interesting article about women and testosterone.

http://www.wellnessmd.com/wtestosterone.html

I am not a fan of supplements and it seems the best natural way to increase testosterone is to exercise, especially life weights.

So this is how to increase you testoterone naturally.

http://www.ehow.com/how_2297630_increase-testosterone-naturally.html

Yep, pretty much the same as what nutrionalists and physicians have been trying to tell us for awhile.

Number 2, is probably the biggest change to my diet this time round. Number 6 is the biggest change to my exercise routine.

Getting stronger

A while back I was training a lot and I was training hard.

I was trying to build my speed so I could pass the shuttle run test for the defence force. I could run for miles, I just didn't run them very fast. The shuttle run involves continuous running between 2 lines set 20metres apart, in time to recorded beeps that slowly speed up.

I was determined, this was not going to stop me getting in. I had learnt how to do push ups, I could run for 8 kms, after starting at less than 1km, but I couldn't get to level 7.5.

I made a fatal mistake, I started to overtrain. I have good endurance and I approached getting faster with an endurance mind set. Everyday I would start with the shuttle run, then do my normal 5km run, trying to go faster and further than last time. I added in a hill climb, just to try to get that extra strength.

I have never had a sports injury before in my life. Not once. Probably because I have never really done full on, high intensity exercise before.

The approach was all wrong. Eventually I pulled a muscle in my bum. Not a huge issue, I kept running. A few days later on the same leg, my knee gave out. No problem, I kept training.

Until it hurt too much. Iason told me I needed to rest. I rested.

Iason suggested we focus on just doing short bursts of high intensity sprints. To help bring up my speed. I stopped the shuttle run for awhile, which involved turning, put more strain on my knee. I started the sprints.

Iason took me to the shop to buy really high quality runners. You see, I didn't realise it, I wasn't an unfit geek any more, I was one of those fit people, who have to get the right gear to exercise in or they might injure themselves.

My knee healed and I passed the shuttle run, just.

I had to watch my knee from then on. I noticed that it actually hurt more after long periods of standing or walking. Not just my knee, my hip and ankle both hurt too. I am certain it all happened because I pulled that muscle and kept running. I think my body tried to take pressure off my glutinmous maximus (bum) and my knee got the brunt of it.

An interesting thing has been happening. While doing lower body weights exercise I could feel small muscles near my knee working. Not wanting to hurt my knee, I was very careful to watch my technique and not push to hard.

Those muscles that support my knee have gotten stronger. My knee is feeling stronger. I can stand for hours, without a dull pain starting in my knee. I am starting to push harder in those exercises.

I also get neck pain, a common problem for us geeks, too much time on the computer, too much time lugging around said computer (the bag weighs 7kgs including books). I am hoping as my back strengthens that this pain will lessen as well.

Of course, I could just stop carrying so many things around or volunteering in the canteen to stand on me feet for several hours. I could just not get out of bed in the morning.

Nah, I have things to do and being strong means I can do them better and in less pain.

Feed the premenstrual woman.

I am not sure if anyone reads this, but if they do they are probably quite grossed out with all the intimate detail. I just don't see the point blogging about changing the way I live, eat and exercise, if I am not talking about all the issues and for me these things are major factors.

No point pretending that it doesn't effect me, because it does. It won't help me to pretend I am able to just ignore it and I suspect it won't help the people who read the blog. (my apologies if you are male, but you might garnish something)

So plan cover all bases when menstruating has been going quite well.

Now I don't have regular, exactly 4 weeks apart periods. Mine are more like a ninja assasin ready to pounce when you least expect it. They like to either wait so long that you start to wonder if maybe you are pregnant or mix it up by coming a week early and ruining your new underwear. I have learnt though to look for the signs and have gotten pretty good at predicting when it is coming on.

This morning I woke up and because I was aware that any day now, my period was going to begin. I gave my body what I thought it might need to cope. ( At least I am in tune to my body, it did indeed begin today)

So breakkie, was my usual yoghurt and museli followed by a protein shake 2 vitamin C supplements and a coffee.

Vitamin C is essential for processing iron in food. No point having food high in iron if you aren't getting any vitamin C. Also, I remember reading a theory a long time a go that sugar cravings, might be your body wanting more vitamin C, because in nature all sources high in vitamin C usually contain sugar, oranges, apples, tomatos you get the drift.

Obviously, women need more iron when they menstruate. Could my sugar cravings be my body trying to prepare for my period? So I decided to test it and while the results may not be conclusive, if it works, it works.

The rest of my day was pretty much the same, except I did sit down to enjoy my 20grams of chocolate. That and a mandarin seems to have held the cravings at bay.

I haven't been drinking enough and I ran out of vegetables today. My children raided my vegetable supply last night. Who am I to stop them? So I had better go and chop beans to have with my dinner.

Off to the gym again tonight. Weights this time. It will be interesting to see if I have gotten any stronger. Might jump on the assisted chin up machine and see how hard it is.

No menstruation doesn't mean I stop exercising, in fact it usually helps with it a lot.

Women's business

There are some things about being a woman that suck.

One of them is that your hormones fluctuate over the month. You go from feeling like yourself, happy and satisfied, to feeling somehow off kilter.

I have noticed every time I have taken hormones for medical reasons, big changes in the way I feel and think. I notice that my memory is effected, my ability to rationalise and be logical is less. I am someone who uses these 3 things a lot in my life, because my job is in a technical area.

It is especially frustrating to feel different. In a way I feel like a different person just before I menstruate.

It bothers me so much that, I am getting pretty finely tuned into the changes. The changes I resent.

A week before my period my skin breaks out. Now with a change in diet, those pimples are just small white heads on the surface of my skin, while previously they were deep and painful.

My sexual appetite drops, well sort of, I am not going to go into the details but the overall way I feel sexually is different.

My bowel movements change; just before it, I am constipated, just after diarrhea. What is with that.

On the first day I am sometimes, not always, assailed by cramps. Sometimes they hurt and I need to take a pain killers, other times I find keeping active drives it away.

I get hungrier. I crave sweet things. I have been suspecting of this for awhile, with almost every diet I have been on has been blown as I approach my period, only for the cravings to disappear almost as soon as it begins.

I wasn't sure of this, but I haven't had any trouble maintaining my diet until now. Now I am breaking out in pimples etc.

Of course, I have a strategy and that is to let myself indulge a little, in the hopes that it means I don't need to indulge a lot. I have already had an extra piece of chicken today and 20g of dark chocolate.

Might sound like cheating to some, but it is all about keeping to something I can achieve. If I plan to eat some chocolate, then when I eat it, I haven't broken my plan. While my calorie intake will be higher than it probably should be, I am hoping I won't end up binge eating and then taking a few weeks to refocus and get back on track.

I used to suffer more from mood swings, which I guess I still do, but instead of me just swinging from being angry to being depressed, now I tend to just feel like everything is just a little out of place.

I think all men should see what it is like, just for a little while. Then we might get a little more respect.

Then of course we get smacked with menopause, yay, can't wait for that!

Menstruating is a part of life, it is part of what make us women. I have to deal with it, just like every other thing. So with chocolate in the cupboard and a daily allowance of 20grams a day set, feminine hygiene products at the ready, I get ready to deal with it.

In other news, I ran my 15minutes at level 9.3 yesterday as well as keeping my heart rate up for the full 50 minutes. Cardio is harder to face than weights, but it is satisfying to be reaching those goals.

The gym was packed last night and the little competitor in me was pleased to see that I ran faster and longer than even the gorgeous girls. I rode on the bike further in the same amount of time and I didn't leave after a quick 30 minutes work out. Some people are just blessed with good genetics I guess, or haven't abused their body as much or as long as I have.

mmmmmmmmmmm avocado.

I think I finally get it.

A diet isn't what you don't eat.

A diet is what you do eat.

It doesn't matter so much that you don't eat chocolate pudding and french fries, what matters is that you do eat vegetables, fruit, food high in protein, wholegrains, calcium and good oils.

Focus on putting on putting good stuff in and you will find you don't want as much bad stuff anyway.

Afternoon munchies hit, even though I have already had my afternoon tea. I think about the usual options, toast, fruit, museli bar, trail mix, yoghurt. All pretty good, but then I see the 5 avocados I bought yesterday.

So, salad with a table spoon of avocado it is. Followed by a coffee, most likely and lots of water.

Gym tonight, time to try level 9.3 for 15minutes. Btw I am easily doing 2.4km in 15 minutes, now to get it down to 14 minutes, then the ultimate goal of 13 minutes.

The daily grind.

No sooner do I wonder if my metabolism isn't speeding up because I am not getting hungry, that I get hit with the munchies something fierce.

We did takeaway again last night. I haven't been so well prepared in the dinner department. I am going shopping today to fix this problem.

Anyway, the takeaway was proper takeaway, hamburgers chips etc. I choose grilled fish and garden salad. It was super yummy. I did not have any chips.

Chips are so yummy. Their starchy goodness, the crisp fat covered outer followed by that mushy high GI centre. How do I not eat them?

I compromise, you want carbs body? OK, have carbs, but not chips.

So, no chips for me, instead I had 2 pieces of rye bread and cottage cheese. Filled me up fine.

Went to the gym, did weights. Came home and was hungry. Again!

At first I tried to ignore the hunger pangs, by drinking lots. Didn't work so I considered having a protein shake, which I decided I didn't need (extra protein that is).

Instead I settled for one handful of trail mix. I have been for a week or so having a smaller serve of trail mix to what I normally have, so I figured it wouldn't hurt to have a bit more. More importantly if it stopped me from feeling hungry then I wouldn't further over eat.

Worked a treat.

Was the shake a better option? Certainly the shake would have been great nutrionally and as I had just been at the gym doing weights the protien wouldn't have hurt. It did have slightly more calories than my trail mix, although I don't have an accurate measure of what my trail mix is because the ingredients keep varying. On my trial mix, it is usually at least 50% cashews or macadamias which are really good for you. While they are high in fat it is the same sort of fat as is found olive oil, the sort that helps your body fight cholesterol. Both are also high in anti oxidants and are a good source of protein. So while they aren't the losest calorie snack food, they do fill you up and provide you with lots of nutrients. More importantly, they are low in sugar/carbohydrate, which I think is a major culprit in my high body fat percentage.

The thing is I like to eat things. I use shakes because they are convenient. I have never found a meal replacement program to work well for me. After awhile I just miss eating, as opposed to feeling full. I have seen some people get great results, the best program seems to be herbalife if you are interested in trying something like that.

There is a link between chewing and lower appetite. Experts are now recommending that you chew gum to lower your appetite. I don't think this works for me. The artificial sweetener makes me want sweet things. On the other hand crunchy vegetables and chewing your food thoroughly all really do seem to help me.

Still feel happily on track. I am nervous about my period coming up soon. It will be interesting to see if it causes any changes.