I am so incredibly annoyed about this stuff that I don't even know where to start.
The mistakes I was making in week 1 still seem to be there. I do not seem to be fixing the errors of my past. I know that I often throw my shots badly, that my blade falls flat. I was focusing on practicing this at home, but now of course my other problems are demanding my attention.
I seem to have learnt new bad habits. I don't throw proper shots, bring my sword back to my shoulder between throws I am told. I do this then I am told that I do one thing at a time, block then throw, block then throw. Practice more on a pell, I am told. What annoys me most by this is I doubt very much that some of the people telling me this have ever just stood alone with a pell for an hour. Sure they come to training, but actually practice on their own, no I doubt it.
Everything I am taught I f***ing forget. Absolutely no muscle memory. Yes I know practice more, but I do practice, I practice a lot. I go to training at least twice a week and I spend about 3 hours a week just doing pell work. Lets face it at this point I just suck.
Everyone seems to know what I should be doing. If only I just did this or that and I would get better. There are only so many times I want to hear that I am making the same mistake I made week one, before I feel disheartened. I want to be good, I really do, that is enough pressure. The added pressure of everyone else wanting me to be good is at times rather too much. On the other hand, I like that they are interested in my progress.
My right thumb has doubled in size, my left knuckles are worn through where my shield has started to bite and I don't f***ing care, in fact I like the little hurts. I am not sure why I want it soo much, but I have to do this. I am not going to stop this just because I am crap. I have something to prove and I don't know why. I would have thought I had proved enough to myself in the past few years.
I once thought I would never go to university and yet here I am being paid a wage to do just that. I never thought I would be able to run several km's and now that is my idea of an easy workout. The reality is that this is a bigger challenge. Running is easy, just put one foot in front of the other, university is easy, just do what I am good at learning, problem solving, logic and math.
Fighting is hard. Competition is something I always avoided as a child. No point competing in sport I was going to lose anyway. Learning to move my body certain ways has always been hard, I have always been a clumsy child. Something I worked out early on, but co-ordination, is just another type of intelligence and one that I don't have a lot of.
Relax your grip, a cry I heard for all the years I played the flute. Relax your grip, they tell me as I swing my sword, they might as well be telling me too not grind my teeth when I sleep as well. No, I will learn to relax my grip, but first I need to build a bit more strength in my hand so that I can wield a sword while only holding it with my thumb and forefinger. I will just not today and probably not tomorrow, but I will. It is frustrating for them I guess, they have given the advice, why don't I just implement it. Why don't I just think "ok move my body this way then that", but I do, but my body doesn't seem to listen.
I imagine it is like teaching someone a math concept simply and straight forward, some people get it straight away, others on the other hand, just don't get it the first time or the second and usually by the third time, if they haven't given up their teacher has. Yeah, I am the dumb student, but I am not going to give up, just because it takes my 3 times as much effort as everyone else.
I want my armor to be ready, but then I don't because I know I will just get a whole new lot of frustrations to deal with. I sometimes wonder if some of my problems is because I am afraid of not being able to pull a blow and that I might hit someone. In armor I hope this fear will be gone, but if I am still not throwing proper shots, then I will be just frustated as I am now, maybe more so.