Thursday, August 26, 2010

The week ahead

I have been busy with assignments. My body can't decide whether it is sick or not. Every so often I feel incredibly tired and my head hurts and then the next day, I feel fine. Possible causes: bad nights sleep, stress, depression, not enough sun - see depression, fighting off various virus's (mostly successful) or body exhaustion from the gym.

Honestly, who knows. I have missed 2 gym sessions this week, but I did go to the killer session on Monday and Yoga on Tuesday.

Lab report 2 is done!

Next week is big,

Monday: signals assignment, power hardware lab
Tuesday: Management Marketing stuff.
Wednesday: team meeting, signals clab.
Friday: Quiz

Mum is doing ok, but still in the grip of her illness.
Y is still sick, I hope he gets better soon.

Well I had better go make lunches.

Friday, August 20, 2010

In a much better mood.

This week I joined the gym again. A different gym, but I am back at it. This gym is cheaper, but less close to home. On the other hand it is a lot cheaper.

I have done 3 gym sessions and 1 power yoga session, which isn't a nice easy class. No power yoga is full on, pose holding, muscle hurting yoga.

I have had a program designed by one of the fitness guys at the gym and it is aimed at improving my core strength, so that I will be ready for officer training when I get there. There is also a boot camp class, but I will work up to doing that.

Overall my mood has been so much better, although I thought I might be getting sick again on Thursday. Luckily, that seems to have passed.

Uni is coming along nicely with 2 bits of assessment done and dusted. 1 more assignment due on Monday, another 2 due friday and a quizz the friday after.

Mum has more freedom now and is able to leave the hospital without us. This means I have a bit more time to myself, but I did enjoy doing yoga with her on Tuesday.

Oh and I have a really wonderful guy. Sometimes you need to gloat.   :)

Thursday, August 12, 2010

feeling better

Yesterday I felt awful. I had been gradually feeling worse and worse, until all motivation seeped away, I think it might be under the couch.

Anyway, today I feel better, of course with all this new enthusiasm for life, I just don't know what to do first. I guess colouring your hair is a first step. Next will be, hmmm, well I might do some work on that dress, well if I have time too. Perhaps I should just stick to university study for the moment.

Well time to wash this stuff out of my once brown with grey hair.

Tuesday, August 10, 2010

I think it is time to make a dress.

Oh and I might do some embroidery, I just haven't decided what I am going to make yet.

Yes I do girly stuff too. Exciting news, I have found a cheap gym to go to. So I will be back to hitting the gym very soon. This makes me happy. I have found a willing gym buddy and I think we are going to have a lot of fun.

Rain rain go away.

Not a great day emotionally.

As you may know, my mum suffers from Schizophrenia and is currently in hospital getting treatment. It is quite a tiring process, helping get my mum back on a track that is closer to reality. I'm not alone, my sister is right there with me, but geez it is a pretty unfulfilling process. Mum actually resents a lot of the things we do to try and help her and while there is some improvement, it is a very slow process.

I guess I am not the only one who has a complicated relationship with their mother. I find it interesting to see the emotions that are bought to the fore during particularly stressful moments with her. No matter how emotionally removed from my mother I feel, she has definitely left her mark on me.

The things I don't like about her, that I am conscious of, I have developed an instinctive dislike for in real life.

While I can appreciate people who aren't constrained by society to be themselves, the wild ones, I don't agree with just being wild for the sake of it. There is absolutely nothing wrong with being part of the norm or fitting under the bell curve. There is nothing wrong with fitting in and getting on with people, as long as you aren't compromising your moral code to do so.

Overall, I find "crazy" or "wild" or "random" incredibly over rated. While I can appreciate the need to break barriers sometimes to be creative, I don't equate the simple act of breaking those barriers as being creative.  Creativeness is a step beyond, it has meaning of some sort.

I am angry at my Mum, because she has this ultimate excuse. An argument doesn't go her way, it is because of some fact that only she knows because she has a doctorate in medicine or it isn't her fault that she hasn't amounted to much, no it is the government stopping her. It isn't her fault she is crazy, well I guess that is true to an extent.

The reality is she does have some say in how much her mental illness effects her, she isn't completely with out blame and neither am I.

I am not sure what it is about my mother that invokes my need to look after her. It isn't as simple as love. It isn't guilt either, well not entirely. Some of it, has to do with wanting to make my sister happy, who I do love, but I guess even without her, I would still be in this place do this stuff for my mum.

Does the act of bringing me life and raising me, both well and terrible, does that invoke a loyalty that not even anger or resentment can overcome?

I don't know, I just know that today was a bad day. That mentally ill people can be loving and kind, despite their delusions and they can be cruel and mean hearted, despite it as well. Today her words dripped with venom, that were undeserved, they came from a person who wanted to hurt those who loved her. It wasn't nice and while I can't say it was unrelated to her illness, her illness doesn't make her mean.

I have all this stuff going on, great stuff. I am on the verge of finally having a career, a career that perhaps I could have had earlier if my head was together younger, but it isn't really a surprise that it wasn't. Well god damm it I have paid once already for her illness, I don't want to pay again.

Not a good day, nope not a good day. Personally, I blame the weather.

Sunday, August 8, 2010

A huge weekend, again

Super busy with kids sport, running, walking and dancing, but no fighting. Weight isn't going down but I am feeling better.
Yay for the week, I actually get a chance to rest.

Wednesday, August 4, 2010

Sport and games.

It is interesting to note that my performance at looking after myself is directly proportional to how much I blog.

The last week, has been, ok. Not great on the exercise and eating front, but not terrible either.

We had a fantastic weekend.

L had his soccer game, which was a tie and very exciting. He nearly scored a goal after weaving his way up the field through 3 different players. It was his first time as a striker too!

J had his Rugby game, which they lost. Still J scored a try and didn't reinjure his ankle injury from a month ago. J is having a bit of a rough time of it physically and emotionally at the moment. He has a few GF issues, but I am sure he will work it out. I was pleased to see him eventually confide to me a bit about what was going on. Ahhh teenagers.

Friday was the first "family games night". Y and I took on the J & L alliance. They played orcs and lizards, we played chaos and empire. Yes we know empire and chaos wouldn't normally form an alliance, apparently the empire were under a spell. Any way, we lost and the boys won. Everyone had fun, so perhaps we all won.
Saturday was little planes. L had a wonderful time, actually we all had a wonderful time. Our hosts were lovely and the company fantastic. I will miss these sorts of weekends when things get busier.

Sunday, was wet, so I decided no training. Instead Y, me and my mum went swimming. Yes it is a heated indoor pool and the steam room is a good antidote to Canberra weather.

Wednesday night Y, L and I played Talisman, of course the game did not finish before bed time. I happily surrended, Y and L had a fight to see who was the winner. It was Y. His troll was super over powered. For some reason my prophetess ended up with 9 strength, very bizarre and L's monk never really ramped up.

Which brings me to today. I am about to attend a women in technology luncheon and tonight we have a household meeting. I have decided to get brave and cook. As long as everyone doesn't get food poisoning, it will be alright. I hope.

I have finished my tax.

To do list:
Get Bart to repair his bike, so we can do test ride.
send off completion of mandatory training dec
Choose a thesis topic
double check uni timetable after changes
organise going to La prova dura

Things coming up:
Swimming with Mum: friday
Friday night games night: more Warhammer fantasy. (let us know if you are interested)
Soccer: Sat
Rugby: Sun
fighter training: Sun
drinks with uni friends: Saturday
Family meeting: Tues
Group meeting: Wed
women in tech meeting: Thursday