Stuff and things.

I have been being good and going to the gym regularly and I have found a useful tool for tracking my food.

http://www.myfitnesspal.com/

Both  combined seem to be working. I am getting stronger and leaner again. YAY!

I really recommend myfitnesspal. I love the way that on the days you eat to little it tells you how bad that is and on the days you each more than you plan, you might still find you haven't eaten enough yet to put on weight, just that losing it is slower.

The dress, the one I have been talking about for ages is in several pieces on my table. Now I just need to get my sewing machine fixed, or find one to borrow, or hand sew it (yeah right).

I am loving yoga. While working out at the gym is improving my strength and cardio, I seem to get greater gains from yoga. Thankfully, I finding it less taxing on my system and I capable of doing stuff the next day, rather than feeling completely wiped. Exercise not only works your muscles, lungs and heart, but all your systems. Yoga seems to especially work those secondary systems, like lymph nodes etc.

I have given up the morning starts and I am going to the gym more often. I have heard that exercise in the morning is better for you, but I think actually being able to face the day is better.

My mum and a friend join me regularly, so everything health wise is going great.

The week ahead

I have been busy with assignments. My body can't decide whether it is sick or not. Every so often I feel incredibly tired and my head hurts and then the next day, I feel fine. Possible causes: bad nights sleep, stress, depression, not enough sun - see depression, fighting off various virus's (mostly successful) or body exhaustion from the gym.

Honestly, who knows. I have missed 2 gym sessions this week, but I did go to the killer session on Monday and Yoga on Tuesday.

Lab report 2 is done!

Next week is big,

Monday: signals assignment, power hardware lab
Tuesday: Management Marketing stuff.
Wednesday: team meeting, signals clab.
Friday: Quiz

Mum is doing ok, but still in the grip of her illness.
Y is still sick, I hope he gets better soon.

Well I had better go make lunches.

In a much better mood.

This week I joined the gym again. A different gym, but I am back at it. This gym is cheaper, but less close to home. On the other hand it is a lot cheaper.

I have done 3 gym sessions and 1 power yoga session, which isn't a nice easy class. No power yoga is full on, pose holding, muscle hurting yoga.

I have had a program designed by one of the fitness guys at the gym and it is aimed at improving my core strength, so that I will be ready for officer training when I get there. There is also a boot camp class, but I will work up to doing that.

Overall my mood has been so much better, although I thought I might be getting sick again on Thursday. Luckily, that seems to have passed.

Uni is coming along nicely with 2 bits of assessment done and dusted. 1 more assignment due on Monday, another 2 due friday and a quizz the friday after.

Mum has more freedom now and is able to leave the hospital without us. This means I have a bit more time to myself, but I did enjoy doing yoga with her on Tuesday.

Oh and I have a really wonderful guy. Sometimes you need to gloat.   :)

feeling better

Yesterday I felt awful. I had been gradually feeling worse and worse, until all motivation seeped away, I think it might be under the couch.

Anyway, today I feel better, of course with all this new enthusiasm for life, I just don't know what to do first. I guess colouring your hair is a first step. Next will be, hmmm, well I might do some work on that dress, well if I have time too. Perhaps I should just stick to university study for the moment.

Well time to wash this stuff out of my once brown with grey hair.

I think it is time to make a dress.

Oh and I might do some embroidery, I just haven't decided what I am going to make yet.

Yes I do girly stuff too. Exciting news, I have found a cheap gym to go to. So I will be back to hitting the gym very soon. This makes me happy. I have found a willing gym buddy and I think we are going to have a lot of fun.

Rain rain go away.

Not a great day emotionally.

As you may know, my mum suffers from Schizophrenia and is currently in hospital getting treatment. It is quite a tiring process, helping get my mum back on a track that is closer to reality. I'm not alone, my sister is right there with me, but geez it is a pretty unfulfilling process. Mum actually resents a lot of the things we do to try and help her and while there is some improvement, it is a very slow process.

I guess I am not the only one who has a complicated relationship with their mother. I find it interesting to see the emotions that are bought to the fore during particularly stressful moments with her. No matter how emotionally removed from my mother I feel, she has definitely left her mark on me.

The things I don't like about her, that I am conscious of, I have developed an instinctive dislike for in real life.

While I can appreciate people who aren't constrained by society to be themselves, the wild ones, I don't agree with just being wild for the sake of it. There is absolutely nothing wrong with being part of the norm or fitting under the bell curve. There is nothing wrong with fitting in and getting on with people, as long as you aren't compromising your moral code to do so.

Overall, I find "crazy" or "wild" or "random" incredibly over rated. While I can appreciate the need to break barriers sometimes to be creative, I don't equate the simple act of breaking those barriers as being creative.  Creativeness is a step beyond, it has meaning of some sort.

I am angry at my Mum, because she has this ultimate excuse. An argument doesn't go her way, it is because of some fact that only she knows because she has a doctorate in medicine or it isn't her fault that she hasn't amounted to much, no it is the government stopping her. It isn't her fault she is crazy, well I guess that is true to an extent.

The reality is she does have some say in how much her mental illness effects her, she isn't completely with out blame and neither am I.

I am not sure what it is about my mother that invokes my need to look after her. It isn't as simple as love. It isn't guilt either, well not entirely. Some of it, has to do with wanting to make my sister happy, who I do love, but I guess even without her, I would still be in this place do this stuff for my mum.

Does the act of bringing me life and raising me, both well and terrible, does that invoke a loyalty that not even anger or resentment can overcome?

I don't know, I just know that today was a bad day. That mentally ill people can be loving and kind, despite their delusions and they can be cruel and mean hearted, despite it as well. Today her words dripped with venom, that were undeserved, they came from a person who wanted to hurt those who loved her. It wasn't nice and while I can't say it was unrelated to her illness, her illness doesn't make her mean.

I have all this stuff going on, great stuff. I am on the verge of finally having a career, a career that perhaps I could have had earlier if my head was together younger, but it isn't really a surprise that it wasn't. Well god damm it I have paid once already for her illness, I don't want to pay again.

Not a good day, nope not a good day. Personally, I blame the weather.

A huge weekend, again

Super busy with kids sport, running, walking and dancing, but no fighting. Weight isn't going down but I am feeling better.
Yay for the week, I actually get a chance to rest.

Sport and games.

It is interesting to note that my performance at looking after myself is directly proportional to how much I blog.

The last week, has been, ok. Not great on the exercise and eating front, but not terrible either.

We had a fantastic weekend.

L had his soccer game, which was a tie and very exciting. He nearly scored a goal after weaving his way up the field through 3 different players. It was his first time as a striker too!

J had his Rugby game, which they lost. Still J scored a try and didn't reinjure his ankle injury from a month ago. J is having a bit of a rough time of it physically and emotionally at the moment. He has a few GF issues, but I am sure he will work it out. I was pleased to see him eventually confide to me a bit about what was going on. Ahhh teenagers.

Friday was the first "family games night". Y and I took on the J & L alliance. They played orcs and lizards, we played chaos and empire. Yes we know empire and chaos wouldn't normally form an alliance, apparently the empire were under a spell. Any way, we lost and the boys won. Everyone had fun, so perhaps we all won.

Saturday was little planes. L had a wonderful time, actually we all had a wonderful time. Our hosts were lovely and the company fantastic. I will miss these sorts of weekends when things get busier.

Sunday, was wet, so I decided no training. Instead Y, me and my mum went swimming. Yes it is a heated indoor pool and the steam room is a good antidote to Canberra weather.

Wednesday night Y, L and I played Talisman, of course the game did not finish before bed time. I happily surrended, Y and L had a fight to see who was the winner. It was Y. His troll was super over powered. For some reason my prophetess ended up with 9 strength, very bizarre and L's monk never really ramped up.

Which brings me to today. I am about to attend a women in technology luncheon and tonight we have a household meeting. I have decided to get brave and cook. As long as everyone doesn't get food poisoning, it will be alright. I hope.

I have finished my tax.

To do list:

Get Bart to repair his bike, so we can do test ride.

send off completion of mandatory training dec

Choose a thesis topic

double check uni timetable after changes

organise going to La prova dura

Things coming up:

Swimming with Mum: friday

Friday night games night: more Warhammer fantasy. (let us know if you are interested)

Soccer: Sat

Rugby: Sun

fighter training: Sun

drinks with uni friends: Saturday

Family meeting: Tues

Group meeting: Wed

women in tech meeting: Thursday

Wednesday stuff

Well today was a bit of a lazy day.

Mum and I went for a swim and a steam room. Then we had lunch. After dropping her off (around 2pm) I toddled over to uni to pick up a text book. Then I headed home, where I crashed on the couch.

I am definitely solar powered and the sun never properly came out today. So all I feel like doing is staying inside curled up with a book.

So far, I have eaten well today, although tonight is pizza and I am only limited to 2 slices. Lets see how I go.

More stuff

Well I have been running my route at university, 2 days in a row now.

It is a really nice run, although my body is complaining now. I hate that despite eating well and exercising heaps more I haven't lost any weight. It is always the way with me. Weight loss is incredibly slow, but I do know that eventually I get there. It is just a I have quite a way to go.

Guardianship papers are nearly finished, I just need to talk to my sister.

I need to get some cash out for L's excursion tomorrow morning. Luckily, I will have the time with the only thing I need to do is to go swimming with Mum, well the only official thing. I still have to clean, cook, wash and study.

I haven't been able to ride to uni the last 2 days due to clashes. Monday I stay at uni and go straight to college. I don't leave until about 9pm so that combined with needing to take armor with me makes riding impractical. At the moment I have a late lecture on Tuesdays, which means I need to get home in about 2ominutes so as to get J to his training. Unfortunately I can't ride that fast, I am not sure I ever will.

So thursday will be my only day of riding this week. Friday I have swimming with Mum in the afternoon, so I go straight from Uni to the hospital, where I collect Mum and drive to the pool. Unless, I get a bike for Mum, riding is impractical that day as well.

Eventually though, tuesdays lectures will move and I will be at uni on wednesdays, so I will get 3 days a week of riding in. Combined with regular runs, I will be definitely be getting fitter.

Still, it isn't bad to start off a bit slow after a long break. I know my body is in a bit of shock at the moment.

Now all we need to organise is for Y to see a doctor about his ankle and fix his bike.

Then we will both be doing a lot more exercise.

I think I am starting to get a routine that works. This makes me very happy.

Upcoming Events:

Friday evening, family games night

Saturday: soccer, gardening, little planes

Sunday: rugby, fighter training.

Monday: Physio appointment

What it is all about.

Yesterday was awesome.

It started with L's soccer. The game was very fun and the boys played really well. I think Mum quite enjoyed it as well. Then we had lunch at my place. Very yummy chicken and avocado sandwiches.

Next, L and I went for a ride around Ginninderra creek. It was lovely. The sun was low in the sky and everything was beautiful and green.

The wonderful day was finished off with a visit to a friends place. Sitting talking and drinking tea. I couldn't ask for more.

Things to do:

Guardianship papers for mum

shopping

organise a doctors appointment

lots of housework that probably won't happen.

lazy friday?

So today has been super packed.

The usual 7.30am start, making lunch for the boys and myself, helping the boys get breakfast and getting them ready for school.

School run, then onto university. With the bike still in the car, I rode from the carpark which is about a km from uni and had enough time to claim my locker.

Then to my first lecture. It was engineering law, which is an interesting topic, taught by a lecturer with a big personality. This is both good and bad. The lecture was purely introduction, but gave a feel for the style and prepared us for what we will expect in this course which is different to most of our other courses. Of course, my next course was also not a typical engineering subject. Engineering management was also different and interesting. I had managed to get a coffee after the 2 hour law lecture and take something for the tension headache that developed so I was a bit more interactive in management than law.

Then I would normally have signals, but today was cancelled for some reason. This gave me an opportunity to chase up my thesis topic, eat lunch and download all my recent course documents. Next trick will be stopping to read them.

From 2 - 3 pm I had power electronics. At this time in the afternoon my energy levels started to drop. I nearly dozed off at the end of the lecture. I was pleased to be riding back to the car as it gave me an opportunity to wake up before I had to drive anywhere..

Straight to the hospital to attend a meeting regarding my Mum. This is always a bit hard. It requires 100% attention and complete honesty while still being diplomatic.

It went ok. My fear is they will discharge Mum well before she is ready and we will end up in the same place we are in right now in a few weeks.

Hmmm, I have quite a few self doubts about some of the stuff happening regarding Mum, but I won't go into it all right now.

After the meeting we had coffee with CJ and then Mum and I collected pizza, which we had for dinner.

I had 2 pieces, which probably is more than I need, but at least it was a gourmet pizza and thoroughly enjoyable.

A quick drive to take Mum back to the hospital and then I returned for my first ever game of Warhammer. I won! I double won, because I am sharing something with my man. :)

So today, was busy, but productive. Yesterday wasn't quite as fulfilling but I did organise that some lovely people come to the college meeting and teach a class on a few topics. I tried to do my tax last night, but my brain decided to shut down at about 9.30pm so the whole thing became a giant chore. Eventually, I gave up and saved the file.

To do list:

Bike test ride if we have time

lecture note reading, transfer files to laptop.
Soccer game
renew ANU card: done
official results sent to work: half way completed
get door fixed: not done
buy padlock for my new locker at uni: done
Organise thesis supervisor/topic: have name of convener, need to email
Organise family meeting regarding mum: done
induction training: 1/3 of the way through
Tax return: not done
Guardianship forms: not done
Uni timetable finalised: not done.

Shopping and possibly some housework.

Business as usual

Well at least I am exercising more.

I went swimming with my mother yesterday, swimming was good, steam room and sauna was nice, but fight with my mother I could have done with out.

I also rode to uni today, the ride was fantastic, but since I have stopped riding, I am finding the jumper/tracksuit combo I am wearing not warm enough. I still have my neck warmer on when inside and when outside the hat and gloves go back on as well. It is seriously cold this morning.

Yesterday, before the swim with Mum, I went to the chinese massage place. Usually they do a great job and it was a good way to fill in some of the 2 hours I had to wait for the ute to be serviced. Unfortunately, my neck is super still today. It might be the hours I spend on the laptop, which I know isn't good for it, but I like the laptop.

I am eating well and so is Y. Looks like he has lost some weight, yay!

I always said that I wanted a partner who supported my desire to keep fit and healthy and who had a similar attitude to health. They didn't need to be in peak condition, but be willing to strive for better. I think I have found that (and so much more :D ) We have swapped out sugar for stevia, which is a herbal alternative to artificial sweetner. I quite like it, but hey I have happily swapped to soy milk (aldi brand is the best) . Dinner almost every night is accompanied by a giant serve of steamed vegies. Bread is either whole grain or multi grain. I made my own museli bars, which I

I have J writing a summary of his school day for me. This is an attempt to get him to focus a bit more on what is happening at school. An attempt to make him reflect. I think it is working. I certainly find it helpful for me. There isn't a lot of information but it is more than I was getting before. I suggested he blog it, but he wasn't interested. Maybe I should start L on something similar. He started a blog, simply so he could play with the layout editor.

Tonight I have household. I did want to start an SCA project so that I can have something to work on this evening. I guess I just get that dress I started and have a look at where I am with it. May as well finally get a dress patterned to fit me exactly.

Things to do:
renew ANU card: done
official results sent to work: half way completed
get door fixed: not done
buy padlock for my new locker at uni: not done
Organise thesis supervisor/topic: not done (but will make a meeting with relevant person tomorrow)
Organise family meeting regarding mum: done
induction training: 1/3 of the way through
Tax return: not done
Guardianship forms: not done
Uni timetable finalised: not done.

and probably another 3 thousand things I have forgotten.

Up coming events:
Swim with mum
family meeting
Warhammer
something on saturday (movie?)
soccer & rugby games
Fighter practise on sunday

Mundane life

I am actually at university today. It is great to be back.

Things are the usual complete disarray. I have 4 subjects, the first one I cannot see online via wattle (the online system used by all courses), the second one has not ordered any text books, the third one didn't show at the given lecture time (everyone else did) and the 4th has labs and tutorials, but hasn't put them in the timetabling system.

I think I am getting immune to the disorganisation. I like to have my timetable well and truly sorted by this point, but I have no expectation of that occuring any more. My current plan is to just check the online stuff 3 times a day, well that is when I have an online page to view.

My first lecture finished early and I had an hour till my next lecture, not quite long enough to go to the car, parked 15 minutes away and collect my joggers, then go for a run, then return said joggers to car and walk back again and eat lunch.

Instead I drew up a few routes around the uni to jog. Unlike jogging first thing in the morning, jogging around the uni excites me. I am looking forward to it. A pity really that I don't have anything on tomorrow. (Eventually I will have tutorials and labs)

I think I will see if Mum is interested in going to the pool instead. My Mum is mentally ill. Right now she is in the hospital getting treatment. Her only access to the outside world is when my sister or I accompany her to something. That sounds like the place is horrible, but it isn't. She can go outside for walks and stuff, but her freedom is still restricted.

I have to take Y's car in for a service tomorrow, luckily I will get my car back tonight.

Getting the eldest to football training is going to be a challenge this afternoon, as I won't be home before it starts.

So many balls to juggle. I did remember to change my electoral details, finally. For those who were wondering, you have until thursday at 8pm to change your details, if you are already enrolled. Those not enrolled, I am sorry your out of luck, your chance closed as soon as they announced the election.

Geebus, busy but boring, thats my life. Well it is full of great people, so it isn't that boring.

The weekend.

Well the weekend didn't quite go as I had planned.

Saturday was huge, we went to the book signing and then spent from 11am to 11.30pm packing and moving most of the remaining stuff at Mawson.

We were both pretty darn exhausted at the end of it.

We came home and lay on the couch for awhile leaving the final load of stuff in the ute to be unpacked on Sunday.

Sunday I slept in, yay! Then we emptied the ute and did some unpacking. Before we knew it, it was time to go to the Rugby. I had a great time despite, the knights not really being very competitive. I am not very well educated in the history or culture of Rugby, but I do like the sport. I really enjoy watching the eldest play, but whether it is the U14's or the NRL I like the games to be clean and competitive. Luckily the company was awesome and even the kids seemed to enjoy themselves.

I really did let myself slip at the football, ok well I had fish and chips for lunch and a mars bar for afternoon tea. The rest of the days food was fine, so maybe I am being a bit harsh on myself.

Today there has been no run or bike ride. I still don't have my car back. (sigh)

In fact, I felt really groggy and after getting up to look after my eldest who woke up at 6.40 am to throw up and get the youngest ready for school, I fell back into bed and slept solidly till 11.30am.

Eventually, I woke up properly. Of course, I worry about why I had so much trouble getting out of bed. Am I feeling a bit down or am I just a bit exhausted from the full on weekend?

Well, I have been up and about for awhile now. I have washed the dishes, put on a load of washing and cleaned the bathroom. I feel better but I do still have this small head ache. I have had it for a couple of days now. So, just maybe I am sick but have been to busy to realise it.

Anyway, I am going to do the vacuuming, put away some washing and read my university notes. Oh and I had better not forget, try to find out when I get my car back!!

Thank goodness for friends who can take my kids to school for me.

Busy as per usual

Today was a day dedicated to being with friends. Good friends and I think I managed to do it without sabotaging my diet or any of my other priorities. I even managed to get some of my chores done around the house.

I ate reasonably well and had a good time being with my friends and her kids.

I have done two sessions at the pool this week, but that is all I have done for exercise this week. So tomorrow is dedicated to cleaning and sorting out Ysambart's old house. Which should be enough exercise for that day. Sunday we are going to the NRL, so I think Sunday morning will be a good opportunity to go for a jog. I shall spend sometime making sure my bike is ready to be ridden on Sunday as well.

Monday, is back to uni and still no car, so it looks like I will be busing it. I will take my runners and check out the best locations for a jog at uni. Actually running at uni will be nice, it is a really beautiful campus. A good view does a lot to improve my motivation.

I need to purchase books, spend sometime with my mum and get an official copy of last semesters results sent to work.

Transportation issues

My car is getting fixed, it has been getting fixed for over a week now. All it needs is a new starter motor, but apparently these are extremely rare and hard to find when you drive one of Australia's most popular cars. Being the second highest selling car world wide, the ford focus, should be relatively easy to get parts for, right?

Perhaps it is hard to get starter motors, because starter motors should not be dying in a 4 year old car. Then again, I had to get the entire motor rebuilt last year when the car was only 3 years old. $3700 later.................

Apparently, we did too many short trips in it. Short trips! I bought this car specifically for getting round the inner city. Start stop traffic and short trips. I thought the car would be well designed for this type of driving.

Yeah, the lack of car is starting to drive me nuts. Next week is the first week back at uni and the plan was to drive the kids to school and yes it is too far for them to walk or ride, well perhaps not for the eldest. Then I was going to ride from a car park close to the youngest's school to university. That plan will not be happening. I will lucky if I get the kids to school on monday.

The ute, only seats 3 and well drives like a truck. Not to mention isn't my car and is needed by the owner, who while fond of me (one might say extremely fond) still needs the ute to get to work and move stuff in.

Logistics, life seems like one set of logistics after another.

I guess I need to ask a few favors and make things happen. Oh well, eventually I am sure I will get my car back.

Priorities

There are so many aspects to my life.

Inevitably one or two get a lot of attention and the rest don't get enough.

Fitness and general health is starting to slip. I have been eating too many yummy things and I haven't been exercising enough.

My weight has crept on. I am now 61 kgs, this is officially when I start to feel fat.

The reason is competing priorities. I do great at the fitness and health thing when I am able to give it a lot of attention, but as soon as other things start needing attention I find all my good habits start to slip away.

So, maybe if I make this blog about all my priorities and stick to the discipline of blogging, just maybe I will be able to keep track of them all a bit better.

Family - Children

Family - Everyone else

Partner

Friends

University

Career

Fitness & Health

SCA heavy fighting

College of St Aldhelm

Yep, I think that is most of it.

Plans, I have plans.

Like riding the way to university and going for a run at lunch time.

Eating better, packing lunch and being good.

Working continuously and starting stuff early.

Being organised and remembering to delegate.

I manage to achieve a lot, but I hate it when things slip.

My health is slipping and it is time to get back on top of it.

I need a new helm

One of the hardest pieces of equipment for a new heavy fighter to get organised is their helm.

Sometimes you get lucky and someones old helm they just having lying around fits your noggin. As simple as that and your well on your way to getting your kit together, usually you aren't lucky.

I was lucky, well at least I thought I was. It seems though, that after extended wear the helm I have isn't very comfortable to fight in.

So, it is time to get a new one. One designed to fit me.

The first step is too decide on what sort of helm and I really don't know. Basically, I just want it to be safe, comfortable and functional. Still, I know that won't be enough to get my helm built so time to hit the interwebs, books and the people I know.

I plan to keep everyone posted on how this process goes and maybe other new fighters might be able to get something from it.

Failing to plan is planning to fail

or something like that.

I haven't done the planning I wanted to do. I am doing pretty well at keeping up with my university work load, but I really want to do the whole eat better and exercise thing. I spent about 3o minutes, talking myself into riding into university today, only to discover that a tyre is flat and I didn't have time to fix it. This afternoon, I shall fix my bike. If I can just start riding at least I will be doing something.

The weather is cold and I am tired from burning the candle at both ends. I like all this stuff I am doing with my life, but I really need to keep focussed and centred. Less drink, sweets (oh sugary goodness) and fats.

At this point I really don't care about portion size, I just want to get back to eating healthy.

Oh and exercise. How I miss thee. I think it might be time to keep the blinds open, so that when there is sun in the morning it can help me wake up.

I was in Brisbane on the weekend and I had a wonderful time. I think what was great about the trip was the variety of stuff that happened. Saturday was gaming and drinking at the mana bar, followed by a play of the Tasmanian Babes fiasco. While not a wild crazy day, it was full of laughter and silliness. At dinner I was entertained by several people who have those enormous personalities, you know the sort that just sweep you away. Ysambart, was in his element.

Sunday, was spent meeting his family and it was a quieter day spent getting to know people and cuddling very little babies. Sunday, was quietly contented, good food, lovely people and a nice relax after Saturday.

I slept on the plane home, Sunday night, collected my boys from my father's and sat down to finish my assignment.

and I wonder why I don't have time to plan, exercise or eat right!

Still, I wouldn't swap it for the world. Life is grand.

Its been awhile

I would say I have let myself slip. Regular exercise is more like sporadic exercise and eating well has gone right out the window.

Oh, there are reasons and some of them good, but the point is I haven't spent the time really sitting down and refocusing after each divergence from the path. That is why I need to blog, the writing down of my goals and how to achieve them is a much needed discipline that keeps me on track.

Today I had that sinking feeling in my stomach as if I had forgotten to finish my homework, except I know I am on top of my homework. I have been sick, with both a cold and a bad neck. Both things that I don't tend to get when I am looking after myself properly.

So, I need to make a plan and stick to it, make it part of my routine. My routine it needs to change and I am probably going to have to put less time into those social things I do.

Firstly though, I need to consider how this new routine will work around the lives of the people I live with. Lets hope I can make it stick.

Todays goal, eat well and organise an exercise plan. So shopping and thinking.

Rowany Festival

Once a year over Easter, the largest event in Lochac is held, Rowany festival. There is rapier, archery, heavy and war. There is Art, science, feasting, dancing and boffer fights. It is huge and it is fun!

I haven't been, since I can't remember when. It was great to go once again after such a huge break.

The funny thing about Festival is that when I went previously, while it was fun, it never quite lived up to my expectations, well except for my very first experience and now this one. Of course, this time I was a heavy fighter and this helped make things a lot of fun. I may just be becoming a bit of an adrenalin junky.

The best thing for me about festival was war. It is a lot of fun, even though I am small and able to be pushed aside fairly easily. The point is, you don't need to be good, to feel like you can contribute.

I have to admit, I was very prepared, I brought nearly every vitamin & herbal remedy known to man to help keep my body fighting fit. I drank lots of water and ate reasonably well.

Apart from the one night of heavy drinking, I looked after myself. Note to self, to prevent bf from searching the entire encampment for you when you said you were going to bed, let him know of the change of plan. While Bf, was very happy to see me when he finally found me, because I was upright and not flat on my face in a dew covered field somewhere, it can't have been good for him.

It was great to see old friends and to see my barony (Polit) stand against the rest of the kingdom. I even received my award of arms, which means I can now call myself a lady, yes, even though it is quite obvious to those who know me that I am in no way a lady, I can now call myself one.

Festival, was also the big relationship test. Seems this relationship needs a lot more than sleep deprivation, stress of being Marshall is charge, flat car batteries and blown tyres to even start to test it. :)

Life is great, except for the pile of washing in my laundry, that isn't so great.

Anyway, back to study, exercise and eating well. Ok, maybe tomorrow.

"To live without hope is to cease to live", ~ Fydor Dostoevsky

Hope can come in all sorts of shapes and forms, for me I needed to believe that there existed a man who could be trusted. One that I could let myself love and not have my spirit torn to shreds. http://javairasfolly.jandell.net/?p=397

So, I had hope and he had a name. He was, at first, untouchable, out of reach and not mine, but I had hope.

"Hope is the only universal liar who never loses his reputation for veracity." ~Robert G. Ingersoll

I guess, I held doubt, how could I not. I didn't hope for a lot. Just enough that he could love me and know himself well enough to be truthful about who he was.

He told me he didn't lie and I knew that sometimes the truth hurt, but I am wiser now. I know that sting of cold hard truth does not hurt anything like the pain of deception. So, I smiled because I am not afraid of truth.

Then hope became reality and I got to know a man, who didn't lie.

He gave an honest account of all he was, he admitted his weaknesses and his failings and didn't apologise for them either. I hadn't hoped for much, simply that he knew himself.

Then I realise, that he is so much more.

Loyalty, integrity, kindness and the guts to stand up for what he believed in. The wisdom to do what he thinks is right and not what he wants. The guts to tell me when I am wrong. The strength to tell me the truth, even when it brought me to tears. The faith to know I would forgive him. The kindness to hold me close while I cried.

He embraces life, lives it to its fullest. Not afraid to stand out or be different. Always ready to for a new day, whether it be a day of duty or a day of fun.

When I said I feel like dancing, I found myself on the dance floor, dancing as if no one else was watching, dancing with him.

and of course, he has friends, lots of them. Friends that love him and they smile at me because they know I am completely lost to him. That I understand just how amazing he is and the most amazing thing is, he is mine.

Love isn't meant to hurt, it can just be easy.

Happy Birthday Bart, I love you.

False starts.

This week seems to have been a week full of false starts.

This week, I was meant to slowly get back into my gym routine and return to my regular eating pattern, except I didn't really manage to do this.

There was the apple crumble and ice coffee blow out earlier this week, followed by my sausage sizzle and cider blow out, followed by todays date & coconut deliciousness, sigh.

but, it isn't all bad. I have managed to keep quite active. I have been to yoga, a 1 hour light gym session, 1 hour walk and 35 minutes interval training tonight at the gym.

More importantly, after the date and coconut deliciousness, I went to the medical centre where I work. I have to have yearly health check and mandatory vacinations, the process is incredibly thorough and makes me feel like my body is an asset the Army intends to protect. Not a warm cuddly feeling, but I still kind of like it.

and it made me think.

My body is an asset and I should treat it like one.

It is a mind set that works for me, I am not sure it would work for others, but for someone like me, who likes to be practical and finds great personal satisfaction in working hard, I get that I should look after the asset.

So, I have a new mindset and so far it is working. Diet has been great, I put myself to bed for an afternoon nap (because I am getting a cold) and went to the gym tonight to keep myself in shape. I don't find that exercising makes my colds worse, in fact stopping the exercise tends to make the cold worse, so I got a good sweat and enjoyed that endorphin rush.

Now, post work out, I have showered and lathered my body in cocoa butter. Next relax with a good book and herbal tea, yep I know how to treat an asset . :p

Oh and I have a new work out buddy, all I need to do now is get him to join the gym, I am not sure of my chances of getting that one to happen.

Recovered.

Ok, so I am probably still only 90% recovered, but I am recovered enough to feel like my life had been hijacked and I haven't done much for 2 weeks.

University begins on Monday, time to start planning and managing my time. I really need to get this down pat, I have a lot of things fighting for my attention and they are all pretty important.

My priorities, in no particular order are:

• Look after the boys
• Do well at uni
• Keep fit
• Get better at heavy fighting
• Keep up my college Seneschal responsibilities
• Spend time with my significant other. (did I mention I have a significant other?)
• Prepare for festival

So lots of things are competing, I guess the most important would be boys, uni, fitness and new relationship.

Contact hours at uni this semester are going to be a killer with over 24 hours a week in lectures, labs and tutorials. Hopefully this will be less than it first appears, with some labs running fortnightly and the such.

I am going to try getting up early and going to the gym. Previously, I have failed at this, but I am going to give it another try. Friday mornings will have the super fun group kick class at 5.45am, so that should be some motivation.

There are few other classes on at that time, that look like fun and will do well for the cardio portion of my work out. The other 2 - 3 days I will do a resistance session.

This way, my evenings are free for fighter training.

I know I am not overweight, but I still look at pictures of myself and see pudgyness. It isn't just that I am a harsh judge either, I just carry a lot of body fat for my size and weight. Maybe it is genetics or maybe I just need to give myself more time to get there.

Busy schedule, busy life, it doesn't matter, I have things I need to achieve.

Progress.

Recovery is something that needs to be managed.

What I eat needs to managed to only soft and squishy until at least a week after the surgery. Yummy porridge for breakfast and Yay to boyfriends who bring me baby food. :)

What meds I take needs to be managed. I had been given codeine to help with the pain, but I was taking way too much and was suffering from nausea, faint and feeling generally like crap because of it. Dosage is down to none during the day and 1/2 a tablet at night to help me get to sleep.

Now that I am keeping things down, the antibiotics should start to work. I am also trying to take arnica tablets to help with the bruising and probiotics to replace the healthy bacteria, the antibiotics are killing off.

Watch what I do, what I eat, where I go, can I drive? You get the picture. The whole is rather tiring. Not to mention I suck at being a patient, in that I have no patience. None what so ever.

Why does getting better have to hurt and why does the stuff that stops the pain have to make me feel worse?

and I whinge and worst of all, as soon as I feel the remotest bit better, I start doing stuff again.

Yesterday, dye fabric, cut padding, change sheets, fold washing, wash up, make dinner, paint stuff, make lunches, sort washing, general tidy up. Not really a lot, but still more than I should be doing. I can't help it, the house, it needs work.

So new goal, get better. Implement plan get better, which involves rest, more rest and if in doubt rest.

Wisdom teeth

Before

So far, not as bad as I was told.

I do have moments of feeling like complete shit. I am not sure why, but I still reasonably faint.

I want to be doing more, but every time I try I just make things worse. Oh and I look hideous. I don't care what people say, I know ugly & right now I am it.

Exercise, I had hoped to do some light stuff today, but the very short walk I went on left me feeling faint & nauseous for hours so I guess I won't be doing much for awhile.

Eating is annoying and my options are limited, so I guess that won't be an issue.

After

Not really being good.

I am almost eating well, but not really.

I need focus and recommit to my goals. The half a cheese cake located in my fridge is not helping me, neither is the bag of toffees.

A part of me, wants to throw both straight into the bin, where they will no longer tempt me, except it is a huge waste of food and I know the boys will enjoy them.

I just need to remind myself I am not meant to be enjoying them. Will power, I have never really had a lot, instead I rely on tricks to stop me from not eating junk, like just not having anything in the house.

Tomorrow, I will have to fast, so I guess that is a good way to break the cycle. Wisdom teeth begone, it will be awesome to be free from the constant pain and infections. Now I just need to get my neck to stop hurting and I will be a happy camper.

Oh and fighter training was really good tonight.

If I had known.

If I had known how today was going to be, I might not have jumped out of bed with such enthusiasm.

Kids to school: First day back, I always find myself a little nervous sending my kids back to school. What if I have forgotten some crucial item that leads to their social downfall? Getting the right hat, clothes, shoes all so important, in the world of a teenager, luckily not so crucial for the primary schooler.

Kick class: It rocked, I rocked. The class is great fun and I will be doing it again as soon as possible. I love the whole pretending to beat some imaginary foe up.

Check in on Ex: blerg, not happy with stuff, but it doesn't really effect me so why do I care?

Lunch with my sister: Discussion, how to deal with my mum and her not taking her meds. My mum has schizophrenia and she has been progressively getting worse. I would like to pretend that she isn't, but she is.

A plan was thought out and the whole meeting was really productive, but it is hard sometimes to deal with this stuff, harder still when I am dealing with it, with my sister. My sister and I don't have an easy relationship.

Counselling: Lets put it all together shall we. I feel responsible for other peoples happiness. How well is that working for me? Well it isn't. sigh............. especially my sisters happiness.

So a very useful day, but I have opened an emotional can of worms which leaves me feeling very raw. I have some thinking to do.

Failed at gym

Today I planned to go to the gym, but rather than do it first thing, as I normally do. I decided to do it after I got a few other chores done.

Of course by the time I had finished running around, it was 2pm and then I procrastinated the day away until now.

At least I have fighter training tonight. I feel bad, the weekend was full of chocolate indulgence and I missed my yoga session. Now I have missed the gym.

Tomorrow, I have a 9.30 am kick class which should be awesome. It will be my first time at this class.

I also have a counselling session tomorrow and I really should put some thought into what I need to talk about. I have been a bit teary the last few days. There is something being processed in my brain.

Tomorrow the boys go back to school and at least I have all their stuff ready and labelled. So, I could argue that missing gym was for a good cause, but I could have done both. Just slack. Everytime I slack off, it effects the way I feel about myself. I am feeling rather unlovely today. My tummy feels fat, my arms look pludgy ( at least to me) and OMG look at all that celluite.

There is a balance between motivated with out being so hard on myself. I just haven't found it yet.

Oh well things to do. I really need to work on my defense tonight. I'll let you know how the kick class goes.

Today.

Well my reason for a late night pig out was confirmed today.

Definitely, feel less strong at this time of the month.

I did my usual step class today. It nearly killed me and yet at the same time, I really really enjoyed it.

I read about these people who are doing hard core personal training sessions and I wonder why PT's need to push people's limits so much.

Sure, I am all for pushing past your limit occasionally, but you can't do that everyday of every week. You will break your body or your spirit. Once in a while just to prove to yourself that you are stronger than you thought, but every time you step in the gym?

I have made changes that will last my life time. I did it slowly and gradually. With slow, gradual and healthy results. I can maintain this level of commitment and this rate of improvement. If I tried to go too much harder, I don't think I would maintain it.

No exercise tomorrow. Sunday, yoga and fighter training.

I love life.

opps

Late night pig out.

Either I need to re establish good eating patterns or I heading into that time of the month. This could be interesting.

Surveyors' expedition

So my weekend went like this,

Friday afternoon I am collected from my house by my friends who are also keen to make the trek to Cairnfiall or Ballarat for those not familiar with SCA terminology.

My job, bring air freshener, music and keep the driver awake. I succeed at all 3 and we arrive safely at 11.30 pm. My plan on long car trips is to stay alive, if this means eating loads of sugar and high fat food, so be it. I would prefer to be alive, than be a skinny corpse.

I did enjoy not having to think about what I eat, except as to how much energy it would give me.

We promptly get started putting up our tents. A little difficult in the dark, but with so many helpful hands holding lanterns and offering hammers, it was completed in nearly no time.

My driver, understandably hit the hay, I on the other hand went to be social and joined the crowd in the beer garden, all gathered around the camp not fire. (bloody fire restrictions)

By 12.30am I was ready to sleep, but of course had the usual, not in my bed, can't really sleep properly problems.

The next morning, I awoke at some god forsaken hour needing to go to the bathroom, as is to be expected at any camping event. I then spent a good 15 minutes trying to decide if I really really wanted to get up in the cold morning air, just to empty my bladder. As always my bladder won the argument.

Breakfast was everything someone readying for a day of fighting could ask for. The best thing about breakfast though was the company. It seems that an old friend and his wife were attending the event as well. This completely made my day.

Starting at a rather leisurely hour, was the War. 3 different scenarios run a few times, usually with sides swapping roles, just for the fun of it.

There was a story line, but I don't remember it well enough to relate back to you. The first scenario was in a forest and our objective was to have a single person reach the hill top behind our opponents. We weren't particularly good at this scenario.

Our offense not quite determined enough to reach the hill top position. In defense a fatal error was made. As the attackers approached, we had assumed they would engage, instead a mad dash was made for the hill top. I am really not used to running in armor. The usual giant push off for near instant acceleration is a really bad idea. My gluteus maximus complained sorely after this and for the rest of the day.

The second scenario was a ford and this worked better for us. Our main problem was dealing with the pole man, which our archers dealt with nicely. Or on the 2nd try I dealt with as he made a charge through 4 of us, killing all but me.

The 3rd scenario required us to set fire to the defenders campsite. This one was fun, although I did get a bit confused near the end because I had run out of opponents and wasn't dead yet.

This was a pretty small event, that didn't go too long. Time between scenarios was short and things moved forward at a great pace. All in all a great starter war.

The afternoon was pas de arms. I was terrible. I had fun. I did though spend too much time in armor not fighting. Standing around in the heat, in armor, is not fun. Fighting is fun. I developed a slight headache and decided not to push it. I still had tomorrow to go.

On the other hand, the friend who drove me there, beat almost all comers and when challenged to fight all comers at once, managed to win that bout as well.

Being at a lose end, I went to the kitchen to help, chop and prepare food. Getting in good favor with the kitchen staff is always a good idea.

That night I ate at a delicous feast, with great company and felt extremely welcome.

Helping with the washing up, arghhh, so many pots, but still, everybody has to do their bit.

Again, chatting in the beer garden, listening to people sing. Oh yeah, I love a bardic circle, not that I know any of the songs or can sing.

Sleep, was another cold, uncomfortable night.

Sunday:

Breakfast : Pancakes!!

I packed up all my stuff, except my armor ready to leave as soon as possible.

Sunday afternoon was the rose tourney. The victor of each bout can choose to whom a flower is bestowed upon. I did not get to bestow any flowers, but I did manage to kill an opponent. Unfortunately it was a best of three, my second bout with him was a double kill and he then killed me twice soundly. Still I killed someone.

Ok, it was mostly a fluke shot. I was absolutely amazed as I watched my sword be behind the shield and no longer in front of it. How the hell did I do that?

I went on to have 2 more double kills. I have to say I am completely chuffed. Actually killing someone, anyone, was something I wasn't expecting to do for months.

Armor was then packed. No shit there I was conversations held, waiting for my second friend to finish his archery shoot, early dinner collected from my friends in the kitchen and we were back in the car on our very long way back home.

It was an awesome weekend and I recommend that anyone interested makes the trip. I will be back next year. I think I have promised to be back and to be better.

I am authorised

All this fighter training was leading to the goal of being authorised.

Last Tuesday I achieved this goal. Authorising means I know enough to make informed decisions about my safety and not be a danger to others.

So now I am authorised I can play this game properly. Today I am off to war.

War in the SCA, is a team sport. Most of my training has been so far one combatant against another and I tend to think of tourney fighting while I am training.

War, on the other hand is where one army lines up against another and we try to kill each other. All the usual team sport benefits apply. Working together, communication, tactics and probably best of all, camaraderie.

This will be my first war as a heavy fighter. Lets hope I don't stuff up to badly.

I'll keep you updated.

I haven't done much other exercise this week, other than a pool session with my Mum and training. My plan is to get back into the regular swing of things by Wednesday. I am going to give myself 2 days to recover from the weekend. Maybe hit the gym for a light cardio session on Tuesday.

My brain is slowly adjusting to the in rush of hormones and I am settling into a new stage of my life. All pretty exciting really.

Stupid Happy and tired.

Well I am tired. Happy, sleepy tired. Stupid Happy.

I haven't been getting enough sleep. I have been lying awake, thinking on things and knowing I really should go to sleep. Then I am getting up early because I am excited to see what the new day might bring.

Not today mind you. Today my alarm went off and I just lay there. I am sleepy, tired and happy.

Emotions, sometimes I just want to them to go away. They are always in a state of flux, always present never the same. Sure you can see the patterns, but you can't predict them entirely, to complex to completely follow, subject to change at slightest movement in the smallest variable. Sometimes they overwhelm you and you can feel like you are drowning.

Right now, I have lost my footing and I am being swept away, but it is so nice, completely terrifying, but wonderful all at the same time. Large emotions, completely knock aside sense and reason, with brute force, I can fight it, but there isn't much point.

So, I don't think I will go to the gym today. Today I will take a long bath and do some things around the house. Read the fighter's handbook, think about the college, complete of few chores, tidy my kitchen, maybe even sew a little. Today, I am going to try to slow things down.

Ride it out, not fight. Try not to daydream too much.

It is all so nice and so very scary.

Training was really really really good.

I am a bit too tired to go into details, but I am very happy right now.

My sword

My sword has been planed, shortened, hand grip adjusted and thanks to a friend had the basket hilt replaced.

It is now significantly lighter, but I still tire quickly. Nothing that a bit of practice won't fix.

I love my sword. :) I love my shield

and the rest of my armor is working pretty well, as well. Now, all I need is a helm. Easier said than done.

I need to read the combat rules because very soon I will be authorised. Yay excitement.

I weighed myself today, 55.8 kgs. Crazy, I have lost weight. I blame it on stress.

I am loving going to the gym, always a good feeling. Today is a good day. I should read the combat rules, but I am in the mood for sewing. Later tonight I am going to a friends house to work on some stuff in the armored rose. A book dedicated to the female heavy fighter.

I am a bit skeptical. Sure men and women are different, significantly, but different men can be significantly different. Different body types, different attitudes. I don't think there is any one single right way. Your body, is individual. I listen to all advice, but the best advice I have had so far. "If it hurts you are doing it wrong".

Listen to your body. Sure maybe I might not have 100% correct technique, but I plan to do this sport with out injuring myself and if my body protests (you know real pain not muscle exhaustion pain) I won't do it that way.

This has got to be true for all people, male or female. Still it is all knowledge and knowledge is useful. So, lets learn it.

Love and stuff

It is 37 degrees today.

I feel rather lonely. Only to be expected in fact my counselor predicted as much. So far, I have refrained from throwing myself at the first guy who shows any interest and been a little more selective about whom I throw myself at. This method does not provide much instant gratification. So be it, that is what shopping for, isn't it? Maybe not, but I need a new vacuum cleaner, so shopping it will be.

I did Yoga today, it was awesome and just what I needed.

I have been enjoying my birthday indulgences, but I don't think I have gone too far. Banana cake is good!

Sigh, I do wish this leaving your husband business was simpler. You know, less emotional.

Oh yeah, I am independent. I can do what ever I want, it is just sometimes it is nice to be able to turn to someone else, someone you know wants you too, but I won't be making a compromise this time, I won't give up myself entirely just to stop the loneliness.

My goodness it is way too hot!

Planning ahead.

I have managed to eat really well almost everyday since my big shop and clean of the fridge.

but,

It is my birthday today and I have picnic with friends. Tomorrow I have a BBQ with my fathers side of the family and Sunday dinner with my mothers side of the family.

I don't think starving myself the rest of the day for each of these events is a wise plan, but I don't want to be watching what I eat either. I think I will just use some simple eating strategies at the events.

Firstly try a little of everything I want to try.

Secondly stop before I feel full, wait and see if I am still hungry. Perhaps drink more water. Drink lots of water.

Exercise has being pretty much on track as well, although today was a lazy jog instead of a hard core work out at the gym. I really liked getting outside again, breathing fresh air and enjoying the view. I ended up jogging today instead of the gym because I wanted to scout weston park for good picnic locations and the best way to do that is on foot, but walking is a bit slow, so I started jogging. I like being fit enough to do that.

My first time

As you try to work out what goes where and slowly place each piece it starts to dawn on you. Oh my god, I am really going to do this.

Then the adrenalin hits, as you reach the last piece, there won't be any excuses now. Now or never. The fears rush over you, what if I am crap, what if I don't have it, what if they laugh?

You pick up your sword and shield, then realise you need to put your lanyon from your sword on your wrist first. I hope no one was looking.

One deep breath and I am there. Throwing my swings wildly, putting way too much shoulder into every throw. Trying way too hard. First time nerves are showing.

I have zero defence, I receive several headshots, they don't hurt, but they do ring. I realise my shield moves too slowly to even try to stop the shots.

It doesn't matter, I was crap but it doesn't matter. I loved it every moment, being tired in a way I have never felt tired before. Hot and sweating, smiling, learning, moving, judging the other. Everything about it, fantastic, amazing. I don't ever remember feeling so pumped before.

My first time in armor was great.

New years

I had a great new years eve party. I really enjoyed myself, indulged and drank a lot. So instead of feeling good about my great night, I feel well kinda down. Hence my last post full of insecurity and feeling sorry for myself.

Trying to take care of myself again. Getting to bed at a reasonable hour, eating well and not sleeping in too much. Hopefully, I will be back to my go getter best any day now.