Not a great day emotionally.
As you may know, my mum suffers from Schizophrenia and is currently in hospital getting treatment. It is quite a tiring process, helping get my mum back on a track that is closer to reality. I'm not alone, my sister is right there with me, but geez it is a pretty unfulfilling process. Mum actually resents a lot of the things we do to try and help her and while there is some improvement, it is a very slow process.
I guess I am not the only one who has a complicated relationship with their mother. I find it interesting to see the emotions that are bought to the fore during particularly stressful moments with her. No matter how emotionally removed from my mother I feel, she has definitely left her mark on me.
The things I don't like about her, that I am conscious of, I have developed an instinctive dislike for in real life.
While I can appreciate people who aren't constrained by society to be themselves, the wild ones, I don't agree with just being wild for the sake of it. There is absolutely nothing wrong with being part of the norm or fitting under the bell curve. There is nothing wrong with fitting in and getting on with people, as long as you aren't compromising your moral code to do so.
Overall, I find "crazy" or "wild" or "random" incredibly over rated. While I can appreciate the need to break barriers sometimes to be creative, I don't equate the simple act of breaking those barriers as being creative. Creativeness is a step beyond, it has meaning of some sort.
I am angry at my Mum, because she has this ultimate excuse. An argument doesn't go her way, it is because of some fact that only she knows because she has a doctorate in medicine or it isn't her fault that she hasn't amounted to much, no it is the government stopping her. It isn't her fault she is crazy, well I guess that is true to an extent.
The reality is she does have some say in how much her mental illness effects her, she isn't completely with out blame and neither am I.
I am not sure what it is about my mother that invokes my need to look after her. It isn't as simple as love. It isn't guilt either, well not entirely. Some of it, has to do with wanting to make my sister happy, who I do love, but I guess even without her, I would still be in this place do this stuff for my mum.
Does the act of bringing me life and raising me, both well and terrible, does that invoke a loyalty that not even anger or resentment can overcome?
I don't know, I just know that today was a bad day. That mentally ill people can be loving and kind, despite their delusions and they can be cruel and mean hearted, despite it as well. Today her words dripped with venom, that were undeserved, they came from a person who wanted to hurt those who loved her. It wasn't nice and while I can't say it was unrelated to her illness, her illness doesn't make her mean.
I have all this stuff going on, great stuff. I am on the verge of finally having a career, a career that perhaps I could have had earlier if my head was together younger, but it isn't really a surprise that it wasn't. Well god damm it I have paid once already for her illness, I don't want to pay again.
Not a good day, nope not a good day. Personally, I blame the weather.