Sunday, October 25, 2009


I am going to counselling.

I don't need a lot of counselling, I know why I do things, I know what to do to stop, but sometimes it is really great to have someone to talk to. Someone who isn't biased, isn't involved. I started counselling because I knew things were going to get messy, I was going to start feeling and doing strange things. I think if you know yourself well enough to know that, then you should use that information to prepare for the stuff to come. So I have and it has happened, I have lost my mind.

I have a crush on someone. The crazy guessing game of is it real is it not. I know it can't be real, but I want it to be. I want to make my dream come true. Force it. Stupid desire. Stupid crush.

I had a chance today, but was to busy reeling from the lack of oxygen. Forgetting to breath is pretty dumb.

Tomorrow I will go to the counselor and talk about the mistake I nearly made today. I am lucky in that I eventually confided in someone tonight, who could show me some reason.

Right now I think reason sucks.

If you don't know someone, you really shouldn't throw yourself at them. You really should find at least a little bit about them first, more than they have nice eyes and well, you know. Even if it means life might move in a direction you don't want.

There is no hurry, there is no rush. I will spend sometime with myself and with my kids. I will give my ex sometime to move on. If things are meant to be, they will be. I nearly fell in that ditch. My resolve ain't so strong, but maybe with this post and by talking tomorrow my resolve will strengthen.

Anyway, why do I have to make the first move? There are at 2 others out there willing to make the first move. Unfortunately, right now I am still hung up on a crush. It is just a stage. Part of the breakup. At least that is what I tell myself.

In other news, I have decided to become a proper warrior, I went to my first training session today. It was fun and I got aggressive. It is fun to be aggressive. Why do women always have to be nice, warm and cuddly, sometimes it is good to be competitive, blunt and not so cuddly.

I met other women warriors and maybe they aren't taken as seriously as the men, but hey let the men think they are better, let them drop their guard and they will learn that those women will take every opportunity to kill you just as much as a man.

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