SCA

I have returned to an old hobby, a group and a life style.

As soon as I went to my first event I knew I was meant to be apart of it, but for some reason I have never been as active in the Society as I want to be.

Some of that has to do with fear of failure, that the stuff I do or produce won't be good enough. The truth is it probably isn't good enough, but I am still going to do my best and join in. Not everyone is meant to be the stars. Some of it has to do with competing priorities and some of it to do with my ex.

What is the SCA, well it is a medieval recreation group, well sort of. We dress in medieval clothes, we discuss and research medieval history/culture/technology and warfare, we are part of a society that has rules and structure different to day to day life. There are Kings and Queens, Barons and Baronesses, Knights, Laurels and Pelicans and these are all held in the highest regard.

I love the ceremony, the theatre and the people. It is a great escape from all the stress of the real world. This is where I am doing my new training, fighter training. If I like it I will be buying some armor and waving a sword made of rattan.

A more official description:

An international non-profit educational organisation that is dedicated to the research and recreation of pre-17th century European History, with a particular focus on its practical applications in arts and sciences, including costuming, cooking, martial arts, dance, calligraphy and illumination, metalwork, archery and music (to name but a few!).

and if you want to find out more http://www.sca.org.au/

Phew.

I am going to counselling.

I don't need a lot of counselling, I know why I do things, I know what to do to stop, but sometimes it is really great to have someone to talk to. Someone who isn't biased, isn't involved. I started counselling because I knew things were going to get messy, I was going to start feeling and doing strange things. I think if you know yourself well enough to know that, then you should use that information to prepare for the stuff to come. So I have and it has happened, I have lost my mind.

I have a crush on someone. The crazy guessing game of is it real is it not. I know it can't be real, but I want it to be. I want to make my dream come true. Force it. Stupid desire. Stupid crush.

I had a chance today, but was to busy reeling from the lack of oxygen. Forgetting to breath is pretty dumb.

Tomorrow I will go to the counselor and talk about the mistake I nearly made today. I am lucky in that I eventually confided in someone tonight, who could show me some reason.

Right now I think reason sucks.

If you don't know someone, you really shouldn't throw yourself at them. You really should find at least a little bit about them first, more than they have nice eyes and well, you know. Even if it means life might move in a direction you don't want.

There is no hurry, there is no rush. I will spend sometime with myself and with my kids. I will give my ex sometime to move on. If things are meant to be, they will be. I nearly fell in that ditch. My resolve ain't so strong, but maybe with this post and by talking tomorrow my resolve will strengthen.

Anyway, why do I have to make the first move? There are at 2 others out there willing to make the first move. Unfortunately, right now I am still hung up on a crush. It is just a stage. Part of the breakup. At least that is what I tell myself.

In other news, I have decided to become a proper warrior, I went to my first training session today. It was fun and I got aggressive. It is fun to be aggressive. Why do women always have to be nice, warm and cuddly, sometimes it is good to be competitive, blunt and not so cuddly.

I met other women warriors and maybe they aren't taken as seriously as the men, but hey let the men think they are better, let them drop their guard and they will learn that those women will take every opportunity to kill you just as much as a man.

Stats

bike, random, level 7, 20 min 170 HR.

Busy weekend - emotional awareness.

I am having a busy weekend and I am feeling pretty hyper at the moment.

It is for me part of the process of breaking up, it is normally followed by a huge fall in a ditch, I would like to avoid that fall in a ditch.

I am sure it is the programming in us that makes us seek a mate, makes go in search of people, stay up late, reach out, perhaps in my case reach too far. I want to fall in love.

I need my routine, my basic day to day stuff. It keeps me centered and focussed. It keeps my feet on the ground.

My feet really aren't on the ground right now. Sigh. The funny thing is my Ex loves me like this, finds it terribly attractive. While of course the sort of man I want to attract is too wise to look twice at a girl behaving this way.

I am going to head to the gym, come home, shower and get ready to go to a friends 40th. I miss my boring married life, but there is no going back. Only forward. If I keep my friends close and ask for help when I need it, I should be fine.

I think I can see the ditch.

Dating Ettiquette

So what is general dating ettiquette?

Any suggestions

and in particular, what do you do if you find yourself possibly interested in a few people. Are you allowed to go on a date with each one and see which one you like most?

It just seems a tad, well, wrong. Falling in love shouldn't be like shopping should it? At least not for groceries, maybe for shopping for shoes, where you might just fall in love with a pair on site, but you know better than to just buy them without seeing if they fit first.

Still, I really don't know what is considered good form. I certainly don't want to compare a personal and intimate relationship with shoes. Don't get me wrong I like shoes, but they are functional, relationships are far more aesthetic at least in my world they are.

Arghhh it is a mine field out there. Wish me luck!

Stuff

Things are going along. So much personal stuff to process. Still I am trying to exercise and eat well. Sometimes I succeed, sometimes I fail.

I haven't had enough sleep so that equates to not being good.

I am on a fair few supplements at the moment.

Fibre, to help my body process some other bad food I have been eating.

Vitamin C, horseraddish and garlic, this is to boost my immune system. I can feel the late nights and stress adding up into getting ill, if I am not careful.

Glucosamine, for my joints. (This will probably be a long term thing)

and now

I am taking acidophilus bifidus to help deal with a mild case of thrush. ( I have also taken a direct anti fungal) So I guess the stress found a way to show itself after all.

(other things for thrush are; yakult and cranberry juice, currently I am on all three)

Stupid girly things. If it isn't my hormones, I develop unhealthy levels of yeast in my nether regions.

All my "I am woman, hear me roar" seems to have faded into a mere simper. I want to feel strong and confident again. Only way I know to do that is to keep keeping fit.

I weighed myself 2 days ago. I was 58.4 kgs, I was very sad. That was the weight I started at and I wasn't naked then.

I weighed myself today, back to 57 kgs, stupid scales, that is an incredibly difference in 2 days. Although I have been trying to cleanse the system.

I guess I am single. I am slowly getting used to the idea. I totter from wanting to fall madly deeply in love to wanting my husband back. Both are bad ideas. Still it is nice to daydream of possibilities. As long as I don't act on them till I am ready. I think being with someone can certainly help with the way you feel about yourself.

Some partners are wonderful at making you feel so incredibly special. That is a good thing. I am glad to be home. Life certainly is interesting.

Still not quite back on track.

Frustratingly my motivation has been slipping, I keep telling myself next week, next week will be different.

I certainly hope that next week will be different.

Ok, I am not the only one whose motivation is slipping the reality is my training buddy is terrible at keeping me on track. No I am the one who keeps him on track, but not lately and I am self sabotaging as well.

At the moment I just want to hide at home most evenings and I haven't been planning ahead like I should. This has meant my diet has included more take away than it should. Oh and cake and chocolate. Argghhh.

Where has my attitude gone, my I am an amazon, I am strong, I can do anything?

I guess we all get influenced by our emotions and lots has been going on in my personal life, but do I really want it to manifest as eating badly and not exercising. Why don't I equate looking after myself and protecting myself to going to the gym and eating well?

I need to look after myself, if I don't who will.

Tomorrow I have a day full of study and I have to do something for my family. A very sad thing has happened and I want to do something for the people I love. The day after I go on holiday and while there won't be a gym, I do intend to do lots of exercise, walking and swimming.

It is good to know I am not the only one who struggles. No matter what the size we all struggle.