Fears.

Once upon a time I was so afraid of being alone that I would put up with stuff, that I shouldn't. I thought being alone was far worse than staying. Stupid little girl. I thought nothing could be scarier that being alone.

I still struggle with that same fear, it hasn't gone away. I just know better now, that letting your fears decide how you live, isn't living.

but,

What if despite doing the right thing, my fears come to be true?

(I have heavily edited this post for lots of reason's but mostly because it isn't how I want to deal with this situation).

Bad night sleep.

I am never sure of the best course of action after a bads night sleep. My head hurts my body aches, should I still make it go to the gym?

Right now the causes of the bad nights sleep also leave me feeling like I should go roll up in a ball and stay in bed. On the other hand I have the entire day to catch up on sleep and maybe after lunch I will feel more enthused.

I suspect a better plan of action is to get out of the house and see friends. A good cure for a lots of bad feelings is to get out and see that the world is still there and it is still really cool, with lots of cool people in it. Spending sometime writing out how I feel helps too. (no not here)

One good thing about not being able to sleep is that I when I got out of bed I was able to watch George, George is our new pet stick insect, shed its skin. George is about 15 cm long and not fully grown, also George we think is female.

On the general boring side of tracking what I am doing side of things. I have emptied my fridge and cupboard of almost all Christmas junk food and I have replaced it with lots of healthy options. So at least I am eating healthy again. Oh, I forgot to mention that I stopped lite n' easy after I decided that I can't really afford it long term, but I think it helped my body remember eating healthy portions and to really watch what and how much I eat at dinner.

Well my mind is more at rest now, I think I might find a book to read.

and Pause

Right now everything is on track.

I am doing 3 double gym sessions a week, plus 1 step class, plus 2-3 fighter training sessions, plus 3-4 single training sessions. I am eating right and feeling great.

I should have rippling muscles, but I don't, I am still very soft and squishy looking. Doesn't matter really, because the strength is increasing, especially in my upper body.

My arms are heaps stronger, I swing a sword and hold my shield for much longer than before and it shows. My shoulders are rounder and more pronounced and there is some definition to my upper arms. I am not sure I have ever had definition in my upper arms. I have to say for the first time in ages, I like the way my arms look.

Now, for the legs...............................

The answer to frustration

Being given an exercise that can directly address the issues I am having with fighting.

This is a proactive step and really appreciated.

My main problem is that my shots don't flow. Solution, train with a ball on a string and move it like a sword, try to keep the ball moving smoothly through the air. This isn't possible all the time, but you can feel the flow of the movement and it teaches you to not stop.

I am feeling really positive again and far less frustrated.

Fighter Frustration

I am so incredibly annoyed about this stuff that I don't even know where to start.

Firstly,

The mistakes I was making in week 1 still seem to be there. I do not seem to be fixing the errors of my past. I know that I often throw my shots badly, that my blade falls flat. I was focusing on practicing this at home, but now of course my other problems are demanding my attention.

Secondly,

I seem to have learnt new bad habits. I don't throw proper shots, bring my sword back to my shoulder between throws I am told. I do this then I am told that I do one thing at a time, block then throw, block then throw. Practice more on a pell, I am told. What annoys me most by this is I doubt very much that some of the people telling me this have ever just stood alone with a pell for an hour. Sure they come to training, but actually practice on their own, no I doubt it.

Thirdly,

Everything I am taught I f***ing forget. Absolutely no muscle memory. Yes I know practice more, but I do practice, I practice a lot. I go to training at least twice a week and I spend about 3 hours a week just doing pell work. Lets face it at this point I just suck.

Fourthly,

Everyone seems to know what I should be doing. If only I just did this or that and I would get better. There are only so many times I want to hear that I am making the same mistake I made week one, before I feel disheartened. I want to be good, I really do, that is enough pressure. The added pressure of everyone else wanting me to be good is at times rather too much. On the other hand, I like that they are interested in my progress.

My right thumb has doubled in size, my left knuckles are worn through where my shield has started to bite and I don't f***ing care, in fact I like the little hurts. I am not sure why I want it soo much, but I have to do this. I am not going to stop this just because I am crap. I have something to prove and I don't know why. I would have thought I had proved enough to myself in the past few years.

I once thought I would never go to university and yet here I am being paid a wage to do just that. I never thought I would be able to run several km's and now that is my idea of an easy workout. The reality is that this is a bigger challenge. Running is easy, just put one foot in front of the other, university is easy, just do what I am good at learning, problem solving, logic and math.

Fighting is hard. Competition is something I always avoided as a child. No point competing in sport I was going to lose anyway. Learning to move my body certain ways has always been hard, I have always been a clumsy child. Something I worked out early on, but co-ordination, is just another type of intelligence and one that I don't have a lot of.

Relax your grip, a cry I heard for all the years I played the flute. Relax your grip, they tell me as I swing my sword, they might as well be telling me too not grind my teeth when I sleep as well. No, I will learn to relax my grip, but first I need to build a bit more strength in my hand so that I can wield a sword while only holding it with my thumb and forefinger. I will just not today and probably not tomorrow, but I will. It is frustrating for them I guess, they have given the advice, why don't I just implement it. Why don't I just think "ok move my body this way then that", but I do, but my body doesn't seem to listen.

I imagine it is like teaching someone a math concept simply and straight forward, some people get it straight away, others on the other hand, just don't get it the first time or the second and usually by the third time, if they haven't given up their teacher has. Yeah, I am the dumb student, but I am not going to give up, just because it takes my 3 times as much effort as everyone else.

I want my armor to be ready, but then I don't because I know I will just get a whole new lot of frustrations to deal with. I sometimes wonder if some of my problems is because I am afraid of not being able to pull a blow and that I might hit someone. In armor I hope this fear will be gone, but if I am still not throwing proper shots, then I will be just frustated as I am now, maybe more so.

sigh.

Want to be good

now.

Injury - alert.

So there I am sound asleep in bed and my mobile phone rings. On some instinctive level I hear the phone, leap out of bed and before I have even raised consciousness properly I am saying hello.

This ability to jump to action without actually being awake is something I learnt by becoming a mother.

It has its downfalls, in that I don't necessarily need to leap out of bed and probably should have just gently climbed out of bed, so that my foot would not have twisted oddly causing me to strain my foot.

I am pretty sure it is just a strain. No swelling, not a lot of pain, but I guess I will be putting less weight on my foot for awhile.

I missed yesterdays gym session due to lack of sleep, so today because I have the time, I am going to do a double session, cardio and resistance. I just need to work out what cardio I can do on my foot. I am hoping I am up to the rowing machine, but we will see how it feels.

Training

So this morning was resistance training in the morning and fighter training tonight.

My resistance training is made up of 3 different work outs. 1 is body weight, using push up and the like. One is free weights and asymmetric work. One is weight machines, concentrating on pushing the numbers.

Today was weight machine day. This is an workout that requires little thought, technique while always important is hard to screw up while on a machine. I did quite well, with a few number increasing. One of two more reps here and there. All good.

Fighter training was awesome. I am starting to understand basic technique. Starting to get it into my thick skull. My sword is really to heavy for me and I am definitely going to do something about it. Firstly, I will make the sword I have work as well as I can, if it is still bothering me I will have to think about making another one.

The other major project is getting my armor together, which is coming together nicely. I am very excited about it. Soon I will be able to go full speed and enjoy the pleasure of being hit and hopefully hitting my opponent.

My shoulders and neck are sore tonight, so I will probably get a massage tomorrow. Recovery is seriously important, otherwise I will break.

Emotionally, I am feeling much better tonight. So I guess we could say I went to a third type of training today as I also attended a counselling session. I felt like I achieved a lot and have a plan. I like plans.

Things seem back on track

We all fall off the wagon, what ever the reason.

The most important thing is to get right back on. I did a step class yesterday, first time I have done any sort of class. Apart from being extremely uncoordinated and wishing I looked more like the other gym bunnies, I had a great time.

Yeah, I kept up no worries with those gym bunnies, some people just have curves in all the right places. I don't begrudge them, I am happy with my results.

Heart broken

Again.

Needless to say focus and energy that should be on exercise and getting strong is elsewhere. I think I understand why Amazons lived in a society with out men. Not because they didn't like them, but because they are a huge distraction.